animus_network | eleven ♓ voice;

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eleven ♓ voice;

[Feferi can't face the network, and she really can't face anyone she knows in person right now, so this is only voice. And it sounds tired, and defeated. It's clear she's been crying, a lot, and she just sounds broken - not angry, just broken.]

...I'm done.

I can't do it anymore. What is the fucking point, when my words are only going to be used as a weapon against us? If I can't trust people I love...and it's not even their fault. I know that it's not, but I...I can't handle this uncertainty. I could handle having my heart broken, but I...I can't handle this.

Congratulations, Jason. You wanted to find the exact point at which Feferi Peixes can't handle the shit that you throw at her anymore? Well, this is it. I'm done.

My lusus - my guardian, my mother, sort of - is here. Don't worry; she can't hurt anyone, not with me around. I'm going to be with her for a while. Don't come looking for me. I breathe underwater, she is underwater, and most of you couldn't get there anyway. I don't want those that can - assuming any of you can - trying. I don't want to talk. I just want -

[She starts to laugh, and then her laughs turn to sobs, which she has to calm before she can speak again.]

- you know, I found out a while ago that if I hadn't been brought here, I would have died roughly fifteen minutes after my last memory from home. Till now, I thought there was a point to fighting, because I didn't want that to be my end. But I just don't know anymore.

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mmm

[A thin, quiet voice purred over the network.]

Why should you fear death or betrayal? Are you so unsure of yourself that something like as little mind game?

It's not that I'm afraid. It's that I'm absolutely exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and it's not going to get any better. And without a support system to lean on - because I can't do that anymore, not if it's only going to hurt people in the long run - if only for a little while, I'm not gonna be able to get my shit together.

I'm just not that strong a person that I can keep taking hits and not buckle eventually.

If that disappoints you, I'm sorry. But I just kept taking hits, and eventually, one's gonna hit where it hurts.

Edited 2013-04-20 03:22 (UTC)

Disappointed? I don't think I know you well enough to be disappointed... No, no. I am curious more than anything. I am trapped here the same as you, but like you... nothing awaits me should I return. It is not that my world is destroyed. Who cares what lies they whisper to us in our sleep or implant in our minds.

I'm quite dead. I have no stake in the struggles, the fight. If 'we' win, I die, and oblivion awaits me, blissful eternal darkness.

All I have are my little games, my chances to watch. I'm just curious why you should allow it to stop you? That was not you, was not me...

...Feferi.

Just remember that it's not their fault. It's not our fault, or your fault. We could make that a new certainty. Like...

There's always going to be moments when someone's not really them. But it's okay, because sometimes, they'll be the person you care about, too! Right? It's fine if someone - if someone loses control, it's still fine, if they can be themselves afterwards, right...?

_{[she's not sure if she's asking, pleading, or stating.]}

I - I know it isn't their fault. But it feels like if I'd just been strong enough on my own, if I -

[She can't get the words if I hadn't needed someone to lean on out. Or the words if I hadn't trusted them. All that comes out is a half-choked sob.

She knows, deep down, that needing other people and trusting other people aren't bad things; it's having that twisted around that is, but she's not thinking straight right now.]

I know that they're themselves now. I know they probably feel awful, and I can - I can forgive them for what they did when they weren't themselves, but I can't forgive myself. Because it feels like if I...like it is my fault somehow.

[The feed switches on. Gamzee's stitches have dissolved, but the gash is still healing on his head. He sits at the terminal, idly chewing an overgrown claw.]

Just ain't all being your motherfuckin' week, is it?

[He continues to gnaw at his nail with a grin on his face.]

A brother'll all be up at gettin' his make on for you the fuckin' wickedest "no tappin' on the motherfuckin' glass" sign for you an' your old lady.

Feferi...I know after everything that has been said this won't mean much but...

[A pause]

But if you need anything...Even if it's someone to just sit there. Just ask me oaky?

..I don't want to keep you since you want to go see your mom right now, but I'd like to tell you something, something I probably should have talked to you about ages ago. So whenever, we can talk about that. You know where I am. But.. for right now...

If you feel guilty, think of what you could do to feel like you're making up for it. I don't mean 'cutting people out because it's safer.' That's the kind of thing that just turns into a bigger mess, y'know?

_{[that unreal future - it's not even a memory now, just a vague impression of being lonelier than she'd ever been before or again.]}

I mean... Atoning is one of my hobbies, so I could show you a couple tricks.

I'm sorry. It's been hard on all of us. I hope your mo-... Your...'lusus' can help comfort you.

And they wonder why I chose to voice my displeasure with his being in charge.

I can make sure you won't be found until you wish to be, if you'd like.

[He knows this voice.

Back when they split into groups and started that exploration beyond the mysterious elevator. To think that girl sounds so broken and her limit seemed to have been reached.

Minato stick to using audio, but his voice may be recognisable.]

I hope you will be fine, Feferi-san.

[Asking if she's okay? Not the right question right now. What matters is what she will do now. And so, he asks.]

Do you know what to do from now on?

I'm one of the two last creatures like me that exist. There's me, and there's the Empress. I grew up believing it was my role to stop her - she's a tyrant, an oppressor - and change everything. Bring back some equality to the society, be kind and fair, let it be good.

Then the world ended. We had a chance to make it over again, and we failed. But I didn't give up hope, not even then. I wanted to think there would always be a little bit of light.

I didn't stop fighting for it, not even when I got here. I always thought there was something to fight for. And I'd have support for whatever I did, because I'd have my friends to back me up. But I don't feel like I have that anymore, because I don't know who to trust now.

I'm just tired. So tired. And there comes a point where you have to ask yourself if it's worth it.

I just don't know anymore.

It feels like the only thing I can do to make up for it is to cut people out, though. The problem is that I opened myself up, that I wasn't strong enough on my own to handle things, so I talked to people when I got scared, or when I couldn't handle things on my own. I thought making a promise would be enough to keep it all secret. That's how it's supposed to work, right?

So if I don't say anything, and I don't make any more promises, then I don't run the risk of putting everyone in danger again.

Not my sweep, more like it.

I'm just so tired. And I don't want to put anyone else in danger.

...thanks.

I - I can't take the risk. It was talking to someone I love that wound up putting information into the admins' hands. I...

[And Feferi's voice cracks.]

I never meant to put anyone in danger, and now I've done it. I'm sorry. I just can't take that risk again...

I'm so sorry for my part in putting everyone else in danger. I...I never meant to. There were things I couldn't say to the network, and I confided - in a safe place - in someone I love, because I just couldn't handle it on my own. I thought a promise would be enough to keep all of it safe.

It wasn't, and I...I can't handle that. And I just need to...I hope she can help me figure this out...

It wasn't Karkat. It was someone else. I told someone that I loved the full story about what happened back in February in a 'safe' place, and made them promise not to tell anyone. Then they got...yeah. They got made to break their promise to me. I know it wasn't his fault and under normal circumstances, he wouldn't have done it.

My breaking point wound up being not being able to put my trust in someone that's done nothing but care about me and protect me until now. If I can't trust them...

...that would be good. Thank you.

I understand...But when you feel like you can, come find me anyways. Like I said, Even if it's not to talk.

You are a friend Feferi...I want to make sure you are okay.

[They died along side each other...Good enough for friendship in Meiling's opinion]

I...being able to have someone there as a support system has been the last thing that's kept me okay. If I had just been stronger on my own, I wouldn't have - I wouldn't have had to talk to anyone. If I hadn't, then I wouldn't have put anyone else in danger.

I've been fighting to make things better for everyone for so long, and I'm just so...I'm exhausted, is what I am. And I wasn't strong enough to do it on my own. What I have to do now is just...I can't rely on people like I had been. If I want to make change happen, I have to - I have to figure out how to get stronger on my own. I can't risk putting people in danger because I was too weak and had to have a support system. I have to be my own support from now on.

I can't...not after that. Not after trusting someone I loved not to tell a secret and having them be forced to tell it anyway. I feel like a traitor.

You don't need a traitor as a friend.

... really ... it sounds like you need to stop trying to save the universe for a week and attempt to rest.

It is not as if this tower from hell is going anywhere, now is it?

...who?

[A moment-- oh. Right. The mouthy one.]

Ah, him. Well, regardless of who it was, it isn't unthinkable that abusing the one thing we still had in this place. After all, if we can't trust each other, what good is there left to believe in here?

I'll have to see you before you go. Is that alright?

[...He's seen people react negatively, retreating into their shells (no pun was ever intended), and generally being all mopey after this. He understands, he totally understands the feeling of wanting to cut everything out of his life back when people kept leaving.

Maybe that's why he didn't say anything as she broke down, only saying her name after that was all over.]

...Feferi-san...

[Maybe they didn't know each other that well... but well.

He might as well try anyways.]

Edited 2013-04-20 19:36 (UTC)

That's exactly what I'm going to do. Go be with my lusus for a while. Try to figure some things out.

It's all right. We all know that they can alter our minds, but... *He shakes his head.* Love, and all the trust that comes with it, is part of what we are. It only makes Jason even more vile for exploiting it.

mmm, perhaps I will call you when you return from your little sabbatical. You seem the ... sanest of your kind I've met.

I'm sorry.

Traitor or not, I will not back away from a friend. Besides, it wasn't like you meant to have anything you said be put out in the open.

These things happen no matter what we try, Jason just does not know when to quit.

I just wish I could be of more help or confidence.

[The words she said was familiar to him. To have a support system--his Social Links--to help him, being able to help in any way he can...and the desire and need to be strong.

There's a fine balance between relying on people and being able to stand on your own. Minato always find both sides intertwined so closely for him.]

As long you don't completely cut it off, just...keep them in mind.

[It's presumptuous for him to think Feferi would think like him. The most he can do is talk and offer her what he thinks.]

...I'm so sorry.

[Hey, Fef, it's that girl you gave info to when she first arrived. And on that note-]

I...forgot to thank you earlier for helping me. It won't change your mind, I know that, and after last week-

[She doesn't want to think about it. Poor Lancer! She'd seen during one of her brief food runs - it was awful, god...there wasn't a God here was there?]

...Thank you again, for everything, anyway. I...hope spending time with your mother is helpful to you.

If you all be havin' the damn sleepies, then go fuckin' conch out for a wicked few.

[Fish puns will not save you here.]

Come onnn, fuckin' you ain't all bein' motherfuckin' interesting at a brother. Tower was fuckin' shitty at you, big deal. Ain't no need for gettin' sandy gills on it.

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