eleven ♓ voice;

[cullscuttlefish]

[Feferi can't face the network, and she really can't face anyone she knows in person right now, so this is only voice. And it sounds tired, and defeated. It's clear she's been crying, a lot, and she just sounds broken - not angry, just broken.]

...I'm done.

I can't do it anymore. What is the fucking point, when my words are only going to be used as a weapon against us? If I can't trust people I love...and it's not even their fault. I know that it's not, but I...I can't handle this uncertainty. I could handle having my heart broken, but I...I can't handle this.

Congratulations, Jason. You wanted to find the exact point at which Feferi Peixes can't handle the shit that you throw at her anymore? Well, this is it. I'm done.

My lusus - my guardian, my mother, sort of - is here. Don't worry; she can't hurt anyone, not with me around. I'm going to be with her for a while. Don't come looking for me. I breathe underwater, she is underwater, and most of you couldn't get there anyway. I don't want those that can - assuming any of you can - trying. I don't want to talk. I just want -

[She starts to laugh, and then her laughs turn to sobs, which she has to calm before she can speak again.]

- you know, I found out a while ago that if I hadn't been brought here, I would have died roughly fifteen minutes after my last memory from home. Till now, I thought there was a point to fighting, because I didn't want that to be my end. But I just don't know anymore.

Comments

voice

[beknightedheroine]

...Feferi.

Just remember that it's not their fault. It's not our fault, or your fault. We could make that a new certainty. Like...

There's always going to be moments when someone's not really them. But it's okay, because sometimes, they'll be the person you care about, too! Right? It's fine if someone - if someone loses control, it's still fine, if they can be themselves afterwards, right...?

_{[she's not sure if she's asking, pleading, or stating.]}

voice

[cullscuttlefish]

I - I know it isn't their fault. But it feels like if I'd just been strong enough on my own, if I -

[She can't get the words if I hadn't needed someone to lean on out. Or the words if I hadn't trusted them. All that comes out is a half-choked sob.

She knows, deep down, that needing other people and trusting other people aren't bad things; it's having that twisted around that is, but she's not thinking straight right now.]

I know that they're themselves now. I know they probably feel awful, and I can - I can forgive them for what they did when they weren't themselves, but I can't forgive myself. Because it feels like if I...like it is my fault somehow.

[beknightedheroine]

..I don't want to keep you since you want to go see your mom right now, but I'd like to tell you something, something I probably should have talked to you about ages ago. So whenever, we can talk about that. You know where I am. But.. for right now...

If you feel guilty, think of what you could do to feel like you're making up for it. I don't mean 'cutting people out because it's safer.' That's the kind of thing that just turns into a bigger mess, y'know?

_{[that unreal future - it's not even a memory now, just a vague impression of being lonelier than she'd ever been before or again.]}

I mean... Atoning is one of my hobbies, so I could show you a couple tricks.

[cullscuttlefish]

It feels like the only thing I can do to make up for it is to cut people out, though. The problem is that I opened myself up, that I wasn't strong enough on my own to handle things, so I talked to people when I got scared, or when I couldn't handle things on my own. I thought making a promise would be enough to keep it all secret. That's how it's supposed to work, right?

So if I don't say anything, and I don't make any more promises, then I don't run the risk of putting everyone in danger again.