animus_network | Video; Mourn the Past, Strengthen the Present

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Video; Mourn the Past, Strengthen the Present

Last month, I posted to the Network asking for those who would be willing teach others how to fight--both with and without powers--to contact me. Many of you were willing to share your talents with those who needed them, and I thank you very much for that.

[Diarmuid smiles and bows his head for a moment before continuing.]

However, aside from a few people who I have already helped find teachers, I haven't really heard from anyone who would like to take advantage of the skills that have been offered. I understand that many of you have probably already found teachers amongst those who you know. For those who still might be looking, I thought that I would post a list of those who offered their services so you can take advantage of them should you ever wish to.

I will warn you, though, that most of these people are battle-hardened warriors and do not pull their punches. If you take them up on their offers, please be prepared to work your hardest. They will expect no less and those who you are fighting for deserve no less.

Here is the list. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. Since I know most of the people on the list, if you are unsure who you should contact, I will be glad to direct you to a teacher.

Teacher List:

Diarmuid Ua Duibhne: Teaches armed and unarmed combat. Spear and sword focused. Duel-wield specialty. Can teach all levels of fighters.
Mayu: Armed Combat. Axe focus.
Cerberus: Teaches armed and unarmed combat. Knowledgeable with almost all weapons. Specialty in modern weapons.
Saber of White: Teaches armed and unarmed combat. Sword specialty.
Aleph: Teaches armed combat. Knows melee weapons. Sword specialty.
Sir Lancelot du Lac: Teaches armed and unarmed combat. Specialty in non-traditional weapons.
Ken Amada: Teaches armed combat. Specialty in spears and improvising weapons.
Enoch: Skilled in the use of slings. Also skilled in making them.

If anyone would like to be added to the list, please feel free to let me know. Also, let me know if you would like the information listed by your names altered in anyway or wish to be removed from the list. This list isn't a static thing by any means.

On a sadder note, for any of you who knew Mami Tomoe, it has come to my attention that she has been sent home. I know she was close to many people. She left me a cookie recipe and since Riki has given us such a good selection of food this month, I can think of no better way to honor her memory than to bake some of the sweets she made so well. Anyone who would like to join me is welcome, though, I cannot guarantee my cookies will be anywhere near as good as the ones she made. I--

[For a moment it seems like Diarmuid will continue, but after a few seconds, he just shakes his head and ends the feed.]

----

(OOC: If anyone would like to meet up with Diarmuid in the kitchen to try making those cookies, feel free to tag your response with Action, Kitchen and cooking shenanigans can be had!)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You're-... [Waver hesitated, wondering why he was honestly surprised at this reaction. Shouldn't he have expected it? Certainly he knew Diarmuid well enough to have guessed such a response was likely, and yet it still managed to catch him off guard.]

Are you...jealous?

I...

[Diarmuid's head bows in shame and he swallows hard. He should not be jealous. There is no reason. And yet..]

Yes.

[The word is barely whispered. As much as he hates to admit not being able to control his emotions better, Diarmuid isn't going to lie either.]

[Waver's response didn't come immediately; he had to consider how would be the best way to articulate something that was to him as obvious as 'the sky is blue'.]

[After thinking over how to approach the matter, he decided the direct option would be simplest. With an exasperated sigh, he reached over to brush some lingering flour and butter off Diarmuid's face.]

You idiot. [His hand lingered there as he spoke plainly.] It's true that I am concerned about him, and it's true that I do feel some measure of obligation to help him however I can. On top of that, I don't doubt he'll be an immeasurably valuable ally.

But when it comes to us, that doesn't change anything. I'm hardly about to invalidate everything I've ever said to you because of this.

[Diarmuid doesn't speak right away. Instead, he just leans into the touch. Logically, Waver's words make sense, but the things causing Diarmuid's jealousy and worry are just about as far from logic as one can get.]

Why?

[His eyes squeeze shut and his next words twist with a sudden self-doubt that has been absent from him for quite a while.]

Why would you want to stay with someone as lacking as I obviously am? All of the others must have something that I don't because they got to be happy. He even got to stay with his version of you so that Waver didn't have to spend ten years alone!

I'm obviously worthless. I couldn't even save Edgeworth from a pack of stupid monsters. It's only a matter of time until I fail you too...

Stop. I won't stand for anyone speaking poorly of you, even less so when you're the one doing it.

I don't care, Diarmuid. Whatever happened to another Waver Velvet in another world, that has nothing to do with me. I am myself--not the one that contracted Iskander, Karna, or any number of other Servants in any number of other worlds. Maybe I was a little jealous at the idea of not spending that time alone, but it doesn't matter. What's done is done, and it wasn't his fault that we lost.

If you should ever fail me, I'll forgive you and be grateful you cared to try. That's all there is to it. Do you think I want someone flawless and infallible as my partner? Of course not--someone like that could never exist and still be any measure of human. You and I are flawed, and those flaws are what make you yourself. That is what matters to me more than having some unfailing Servant that never falters.

[Tears wet the corners of his eyes, but oddly enough Diarmuid is smiling. Waver's words are like a soothing balm over his heart--a warmth that pushes back and silences his self-doubt.

Will there ever come a time when Waver can't do this for him? Diarmuid certainly hopes not.]

Thank you. I'm sorry. This coming so close after I failed to protect Edgeworth... And then to meet him--Karna, is that his name? He didn't tell me. To meet him and find out he had been a lover to his version of you and for so long...

[Diarmuid shakes his head.]

I know those flaws are part of being human, but I am a fool who always expects more from himself. And more. And more. It's foolish, but no matter how I try I just can't make myself stop.

This...is changing the topic a little, but can I ask you something?

Don't apologize, you haven't done anything wrong.

[Waver dropped his hand to Diarmuid's shoulder, managing a small smile.]

You already know you can, Diarmuid. Ask me whatever you like.

I shouldn't ask.

[Diarmuid's smile turns embarrassed.]

But I am going to anyway because now that it has occurred to me, I will wonder about it until I ask. Karna...feels different than a normal servant. I cannot say why, but he does. He was with his Waver for so long...

Did his Waver wish him into a true incarnation? Do you think...you might have done that for your Diarmuid if you had won?

That does seem to be the case; he told me as much himself.

[Waver recalled the other Servant's words; according to Karna, that wish had come at one hell of a price.]

...Assuming the Grail wasn't a mess and I knew for certain that it wasn't? I likely would, yes. It isn't as though I had anything else worth wishing for.

Good...I am sure he would have wanted to stay with you just like I do.

[Diarmuid's words are soft. The answer is the one he was hoping to hear since he knows nothing of the price Karna and his Waver paid for their wish, but at the same time that foolish jealously rears it head again at the thought of another person being with this Waver instead of him.

Even if that other person is a version of himself.]

Karna didn't tell me a lot of details and I didn't press him because he was so upset. I think too that I might have made a bit of a mistake.

[He shuts his eyes for a moment and shakes his head.]

When he asked about you, of course he asked what servant you summoned. I think it unnerved him to know that the you here summoned someone besides him and that someone was a version of me.

Obviously I don't know him at all, but I wouldn't be surprised if he felt some measure of jealousy as well.

[Waver crossed his arms and shrugged, attempting to look indifferent.]

To tell you the truth, I feel a little guilty and I'm not all that certain why. It's as though I'm actively hurting him by not being the right version of myself--which I suppose I could understand.

[For a moment, Waver's words cause Diarmuid's jealousy to spike again, but it only lasts a few seconds because he very violently shoves the thoughts away.]

It's because you are kind, Waver, and you don't like failing. I'm not your Diarmuid and yet you took me in. However, with him it's not so easy because of how close he is to his Waver. He doesn't want you. He wants him.

I...think I can understand how he feels. I would feel the same if you were taken away and then another version of you came here. It would hurt to see someone so similar to the one I cared about and have it not be him. You always say I'm not a replacement for your Diarmuid and I wouldn't want a replacement for you. He is the same way.

But that isn't a failing on your part and I doubt he would want you to think that way. It's just that his pain is very fresh right now and so he cannot say it. You've done nothing wrong. Stop feeling bad for it.

...You're right, I suppose. I do want to help, but there's not all that much I can really do in this case. With you, it's...different. You were like me from the start; we didn't have anyone, so of course we started clinging to each other like idiots. I'm just worried about him. [Waver shook his head, sighing.]

At any rate he seems intent on working with me, and I can't see that hurting much of anything. I'm not one to refuse help in circumstances this dire, so try to cooperate with him.

[Pausing to think for a second, Waver rolled his eyes with an amused laugh that sounded a little derisive.]

Can you imagine? A world where I'm capable of falling in love with someone...now that might just be the first thing I've had legitimate trouble believing. It's absurd, right?

Edited (i accidentally a word) 2013-09-17 12:16 (UTC)

[Something squeezes painfully in Diarmuid's chest at those words. His eyes narrow angrily, though he's not sure if he is angry at himself or Waver.]

What is so absurd about it? Just because you spent ten years separating yourself from people doesn't mean you aren't capable of falling in love! I questioned it the first time you said that and I question it now. Love is not something so easily controlled!

[He stops himself, suddenly embarrassed by how forceful he's being. Still, this is something he feels strongly about.]

You might not recognize it now. Love is like that, but when the time is right, I am sure you will know...

Besides, everyone deserves the chance to know love. It's a wonderful feeling, painful moments and all.

[Waver had been trying to laugh off an awkward subject, so Diarmuid's forceful insistence genuinely caught him off guard.]

...I know it's not going to happen. [He shrugged, turning away to hide a conflicted expression under the pretense of measuring everything else they were going to need.] I'm not the type to go chasing after some nonsensical sentiment. Certainly not when I have more important matters to devote my attention to, both here and in the Clock Tower.

Besides that, even if I did care enough about such a sentiment to make an attempt, I highly doubt I would be much of a worthwhile partner. So there's really no point in contemplating the hypothetical of whether or not I can or should experience it.

Edited (I CAN'T SPELL EITHER) 2013-09-17 21:17 (UTC)

[Diarmuid shakes his head, stepping up behind Waver when he turns away and tilting his head down so he can whisper into the man's ear.]

You're wrong.

[He stands there a moment longer before stepping away and leaning against the counter next to his friend so he can look him in the eyes.]

There are a lot of things I believe about you that you don't believe about yourself. I will just add those things to the list. You are already an excellent partner to me. I don't know why you think you would be such a bad partner to a lover. And I hate to tell you, but love doesn't have to be chased. Often, it does the chasing itself...

[His eyes drop to the mixing bowl, and his face colors as something suddenly crosses his mind. Whatever the thought is, it makes him fall silent leaving anything else he might have been about to say unsaid.]

[Stare fixed on the counter and focused on what he was doing, Waver's initial reaction was only to turn a light shade of red as well. What was he even saying? What kind of absurd blind loyalty was this, to outright deny how screwed in the head Waver really was?]

[He looked up and made an attempt to respond, only to be stopped by Diarmuid's own apparent embarrassment.]

I--...what's that look for?

N-nothing...

[His blush darkens. Diarmuid knows far too well how it feels to have love chase him and maybe he shouldn't be wishing for something like that to happen to Waver, but sometimes he wonders if...

He shakes his head, pushing away his confused thoughts.]

I just hate the idea of someone I care about so much missing out on something so important in life. That and...

[Diarmuid finally looks up at Waver again.]

...I don't want to hear you putting yourself down anymore than you want to hear me doing it, you know.

...Fine, you have a point in that case. [Trying to dismiss the lingering and unwelcome color in his face through willpower alone, Waver merely shrugged. There was no arguing a point like that. Waver hated hearing Diarmuid speak poorly of himself, so the reverse would likely be logically true as well.]

But is that really all that's bothering you? You look a little more embarrassed than I'd say would be normally warranted even for this kind of conversation.

I'm just...confused about a few things. I'm not really sure how to explain them. They are far from logical.

[Diarmuid shuts his eyes a moment, desperately trying to clear his head.]

It's just all this talk about love and Karna and his Waver has me thinking about some things...and I'm not even sure why.

[Logic. Why he keeps trying to make his emotions be logical when he knows it won't happen is beyond Diarmuid, but he's trying anyway.]

...I'm not sure I'm following.

[waver for christ's sake]

What exactly is it that's bothering you? You're not still jealous, are you?

N-no...it's not that. I just...

[Diarmuid takes a deep breath. How does he begin to explain what is running around in his head when he's not even sure he knows what it means himself? Diarmuid just knows that as he had been talking before it struck him that he knows what it is like to be chased by love. It's not always good, and he doesn't want to do that to Waver. Not if the man truly doesn't want it. However, Diarmuid's love for Waver is just as family. He had said as much the night of the Resistance Ball several months ago.

Has...something changed without him realizing it?]

Why are you so sure you can't love? What proof do you have? After all, he very obviously must love Karna. Why couldn't you love someone if you found the right person?

[Is he really afraid of loving Waver in a way other than as family and the other man not being able to do it back? But what does it matter as long as he is able to keep serving him? Isn't that the real important thing here?]

I...I don't know. This doesn't seem the sort of thing one can simply theorize about as though it's some kind of academic study--maybe that's part of the problem. I can break down nearly any situation into matters of evidence, hypothesis, and eventual conclusion, but there's no way I can do that with something like this.

[He leaned back against the counter and folded his arms, frowning in self-directed annoyance.]

And that might just be the most stupidly cliche concept that I've ever given voice to. [Scowling, Waver continued in an uncertain voice.]

I'm not some kind of heartless sociopath, I know damn well I can experience a normal range of emotions. But that one specifically--I just think if it was going to happen, it would have by now.

Why do you think that? Love doesn't exist on a timetable. If would be more logical if it did, of course, but isn't that where we are running into trouble? Trying to apply logic to this?

[Diarmuid gives Waver a gentle smile.]

Now it is my turn to say something cliched, but considering no one can agree on what love really is and how it feels, how do you know you're not already feeling it and just don't know? I mean, there are things people say all the time that signal love--like never wanting to be away from someone or being able to only share your real self with them--but that still changes from person to person...

[He pauses for a moment, seeming frustrated. It feels like he's just dancing around his point, but he's really not sure how else to say it.]

I guess I just don't want you to sell yourself short. I am sure it will find you someday...and whenever it does the person you love will be very blessed.

[And the twisting pain Diarmuid feels when he speaks of another person loving Waver besides him just confuses him more, so he falls silent.]

[Waver quickly turned away again in an attempt to hide the confusion that broke out across his face. Though he tried to resume the simple task of baking they had started what seemed like endless hours ago, his mind was racing at a speed that left the rest of him working on autopilot.]

[That did indeed sound like the standard cliches that associated the concept of being in love. But if that really was more than literary creation (which stood to reason, otherwise why would people write about it since the invention of writing?) then...what? What did that actually mean for him?]

[Hadn't there been someone like that this whole time? Someone whose absence ached like a knife to the chest? More than that, someone that had only ever known 'Waver Velvet' and not whatever he'd become in the past decade?]

[No. This was ridiculous. This couldn't be right at all. Waver couldn't possibly afford to feel like this towards anyone. It was exactly this kind of emotion that was weakness for any normal mage, much less a lord in any capacity. That much still held true even in a place where his title was meaningless. Waver couldn't feel like this whether due to circumstance or emotional capacity, and so he didn't.]

I--

[...'Shouldn't' was perhaps the better word. The fact that there were signs that he was doing something both irrational and highly improbable, had apparently sent the lecturer's genius mind into a short-circuit. Worse than the confused uncertainty and logical meltdown, there was something very like fear creeping into his mind. Fear of what, he didn't know. Rejection? The unknown itself? Fear of not knowing what the fuck he was supposed to be afraid of?]

[Having descended into staring at nothing with a bewildered expression, Waver didn't notice his grip on an egg was gradually tightening and leaving its shell seconds from losing all structural integrity.]

Edited (nope i wasn't done apparently) 2013-09-18 04:14 (UTC)

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