[Video/Action] Bittersweet the Bonds of the Heart

[oathshackledbird]

[Losing Mami, who he viewed as an adopted daughter, last month had been hard, but Diarmuid had worked his way through his grief by focusing on the happy times they had spent together.  However, when three more people he is close to are sent home--two of which he cares for like his own children--those happy memories become a source of pain instead of a route passed the grief.

When he appears on the Network, Diarmuid looks more lost and empty than he has in a long time.]

Usually, when I address everyone, I am asking for help on a project that will benefit the whole Tower.  Today, I am asking for help on a more personal level.

How does one handle losing a child?  Not just one, but several over a short period of time?  Nothing I try seems to work, and I am...

[His voice trails off here, shaking and uncertain.  A short time later, the feed ends.]

Action:

[After making his post, Diarmuid can be found wandering the Tower almost as if he hopes one of the floors might give him the answers he seeks.  There are some specific prompts below, but feel free to find him elsewhere.]

Room 4-16:

[A handmade wooden box sits on the bed next to Diarmuid.  Once it held chocolates, now it holds letters.  Several written in a childish hand are sitting on the top, but what Diarmuid is looking at is a pair of drawings that are usually set up near his bed on the nightstand.

He's not crying...  He's not...]

Floor 48 (The Graveyard):

[Rabbit would probably scold Diarmuid for singing what is suppose to be a funny song in such a sad voice, but it's hard to be happy when he is singing the song alone to the gravestone of the person who was suppose to be singing it with him.  He and Yotsuba had promised to get together to sing Rabbit's songs as a way of honoring their friend's memory...

Now that is never going to happen in any way other than this.]

Floor 3 (The Library):

[There is ink smudged on his cheek and his arm, but Diarmuid doesn't notice.  On the surface, he's focused on printing more copies of the Tower Guide to put out for those who might want them, but really he's in the Library for a very different reason.  Tohko was always here and it's like he feels spending time here will help him find her again--find that cheerful voice who had so often redirected him when he didn't know what to do next.  He almost expects to look up and see her there, smiling and ready to offer her help with what he's working on.

Unfortunately, no matter how long he waits, that will not happen.]

Floor 28 (The Music Room):

[Before even his brother, Labrys had been the first family Diarmuid had in this place.  Their bond created during the January experiment, afterward they had talked about learning to play an instrument together, but life in the Tower and his indecisiveness had kept them from doing so.  Now, as his hands run over the piano he had once heard her picking a tune out on, the sound of his grief blocks any music the instrument might make.

How is it that one who once lived his life with no regrets has so many of them now?]

Comments

[oathshackledbird]

Y-yes, I know.

[Diarmuid shuts his eyes again, his body relaxing slightly against Waver's.]

I just don't like taking this kind of thing for granted.

[Because who knows when the support might suddenly be gone?]

[fionnuisce]

...I know, Diarmuid. [Sighing, Waver pulled him closer.]

I'll do whatever I can to stay here. But...if I can't, it's alright. If that should happen, I know you and everyone else will be able to bring an end to this and save everyone.

[oathshackledbird]

Don't say that!

[There is suddenly terror in Diarmuid's voice and his body tightens like a bowstring.]

Don't say that! I...I won't have anything if you're gone...

[fionnuisce]

Don't be ridiculous. You'd have your brother--I doubt anything could get rid of him.

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid's arms tighten almost painfully around Waver.]

He's not the one... He's not...

[Diarmuid buries his head against Waver's shoulder.]

Just don't say that!

[Because Diarmuid can't handle thinking about losing Waver right now. After all, if Waver leaves then Diarmuid has nothing to look forward to once this fight ends but being erased. At one point, he had accepted that fate. Now the very idea makes staying here and suffering under Ruana and Jason's hands for an eternity seem pleasant in comparison.

Though, losing Waver would cause him so much pain that perhaps being erased would be the easier fate...]

[fionnuisce]

Diarmuid-- [Approaching the matter from an analytical standpoint seemed only natural. Hope and determination were nice things, but in they end Waver knew they didn't always win out. There was a real possibility one or both of them could vanish from this place, and ignoring it wouldn't help.]

[He couldn't just not acknowledge the fact. That would have been blind optimism, and that sort of thing was dangerous. When it backfired--and it usually did--it backfired hard.]

[On the other hand...maybe he'd been too cold about the matter. That was why Diarmuid was so upset now, wasn't it? Waver was having a difficult time determining where he'd gone wrong in this conversation or how to repair it now that he had gone off somewhere.]

...it's alright. I'm here now, aren't I? For all we know, neither of us will end up leaving at all.

[oathshackledbird]

[There is no response to Waver's words other than shuddering breathing as Diarmuid desperately tries to gain control of himself. They have had this conversation before, and Waver's answers are nothing different than he's said before--his usual straightforward and logical view. All they have is hope. There is no way of knowing that one of them won't be sent away at some point. However, logic is something very foreign to Diarmuid right now as overwhelmed with emotions as he is. Hope means nothing when so many he cares about have vanished in the blink of an eye.

It doesn't help that he's always felt emotion more acutely than others. Joy. Sorrow. Pain. Not that people always saw that. The knight part of his persona made a good wall to help keep it all in. The problem is that since he arrived here, Diarmuid has been without the knight more often than he's had it, and he still hasn't found a different way to control his emotions. That is part of the reason he is such a mess now. They are overwhelming him and all he really can do is cling to Waver, and hope desperately to somehow find his focus again.

Deep down, he feels guilty for this. They are suppose to be partners and right now Diarmuid feels more like a lost child than a partner. He's suppose to be supporting Waver, not the other way around.]

Sorry...

[The word is a strangled sob. If he says anything else it's lost in the cries that slip from his mouth as another wave of loss and fear wash over him.]

[fionnuisce]

I'm the one who should apologize. I'm sorry, so don't--

[Waver stopped himself midsentence, wrapping his arms around Diarmuid's shoulders in an attempt to calm him down.]

I could stand to be a little more optimistic, couldn't I? Clearly I wasn't thinking about how you must be feeling right now, so I'm going to have to ask you to forgive me. Look...I'm right here. I won't leave right now, and I won't leave without a fight if I can help it.

[oathshackledbird]

N-no...that's not it.

[Diarmuid buries his head harder against Waver, almost like he's trying to hide from the emotions rushing over him. He wants to explain, but for the moment the words he needs to do so are beyond him. Instead, he just makes a soft and simple request.]

Please...just h-hold me for a few minutes. G-give me a little time...

[fionnuisce]

Of course, Diarmuid. Anything you need, you know I'll give it to you.

[He pulled Diarmuid a little closer, voice quiet and with a helpless tone to it.]

[oathshackledbird]

T-thank you.

[Diarmuid doesn't miss the helplessness in Waver's voice and it makes him feel worse that he can't find the right words to explain how much Waver is helping just by being there. Instead of wasting time trying to explain something he just can't at the moment, Diarmuid shifts his hands to curl into Waver's shirt and then falls still. In a way, he's listening to what Waver told him. He's savoring having Waver there now. As always, the man is his anchor and Diarmuid is abusing that by allowing himself to fall into his sorrow, trusting that his connection to Waver will be enough to pull him out of it once he is ready.

Hopefully, how quiet he's become after being so upset doesn't worry Waver too much.]

[fionnuisce]

[Waver didn't speak again for what felt like a very long few minutes, idly stroking Diarmuid's hair with a worried expression coming to his face. He'd gone oddly quiet, for long enough that it was beginning to be concerning.]

Diarmuid...? Are you alright?

[oathshackledbird]

[It takes a while for Waver's words to make their way through the howling, swirling mass of pain that Diarmuid has let himself fall into. However, as he knew they would, Waver's words to reach him and give him a path to follow back out his sorrow.]

I'm...here.

[It's not a very reassuring answer, but it is the only one Diarmuid really can give. Now that he has taken that few minutes to allow himself to fall to his sorrow, he's not sure if he really feels better or not. All he really knows is that isn't a place he wants to go back to. It's far too much like the vague memories he has of losing himself to his anger back in April.

So maybe he knows more now than he thinks...

Diarmuid looks up at Waver with damp eyes and smiles slightly.]

Thank you.

[fionnuisce]

Don't thank me, idiot. Just take a breath and try to calm down.

[His smile came a little halfhearted, but the attempt was there. Waver brushed a few lingering tears from Diarmuid's eyes before resting a hand on his face, trying to keep both of them somewhat focused before cautiously looking to clarify something.]

...'he's not the one' what?

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid looks at Waver for a moment after his friend asks his question and then closes his eyes. Surprisingly enough, he blushes lightly before beginning to speak.]

Y-you know. The things I said in the kitchen that day. He's not my partner. He's not the one I would give up everything for. He's not the one who completes me. He's not the one I want to spend forever with.

[He ducks his head slightly, eyes opening and staring down at the bed.]

He's not all those things you probably think me a fool for feeling about you.

[fionnuisce]

Don't be stupid. I don't think you're a fool. Quite the opposite, even if I'm still not all that certain I understand the sentiment you're talking about.

Come on, look at me. Don't act like I'm just about to kick you out or something.

[oathshackledbird]

Sorry...

[Diarmuid leans his head against Waver's hand for a moment before looking up.]

Some hero I am. It comes to talking about this and I turn into a frightened child...

[fionnuisce]

Stop that. You're a wonderful hero that's upset and worried about things. That just makes you human, doesn't it?

[oathshackledbird]

Yeah...

[He laughs, embarrassed.]

I guess it does, doesn't it. So...why did you want to know how I was going to end that sentence so badly?

[fionnuisce]

I...I was curious, that's all. It's not important.

[oathshackledbird]

I would argue with you about its importance, but I don't feel much like arguing right now.

[Diarmuid leans forward to rest his head against Waver's shoulder again.]

Though, if there is anything you want to say to me about that...I will listen. Your thoughts are important.

[fionnuisce]

...I simply wanted to know what you might have said if you had finished that sentence. That's all there is to it.

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid nods against Waver's shoulder.]

And now you know. Hopefully, the answer was acceptable.

[fionnuisce]

I think that it was, yes.

[Helplessness had rather quickly been replaced with a quietly fond quality to Waver's voice, the kind that almost felt foreign even to him.]

Are you going to be alright?

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid is happy to hear the change in Waver's voice, and that, plus the other man's answer, makes him smile slightly, even if his answer to Waver's question seems oddly contradictory to the smile.]

No, I think 'all right' will be hard to grasp for a while. I am not going to lie to you. But, I will make it. I promise you. I will make it.