animus_network | anon text (as usual)

[Gamzee nodded enthusiastically. He would have been as amped up as Tavros was, had he not been recently awakened from a series of very unfortunate, very consecutive events. But, Tavros' energy was definitely contagious. He sprung from his chair, knocking it backwards in the process, only pausing for a second to glance behind him in surprise before turning back to the camera.]

You're all fuckin' betting on that shit, motherfucker!

[And with that, he ran off, leaving the overturned chair where it lay and the video feed still going.]

G-Gamzee! Be careful. I don't want you to stres-

[ Oh, forget it. He's gone.

Tavros is not sure if he should be encouraging this or not, but fuck it- he really wants to see Gamzee right now. And as promised, he made his way to the library, pretty confident that he was the first to make it in.

And now, he waits near the entrance for his friend to show up. ]

[It was... a while. Before Gamzee got there. However, Tavros had hopefully come to expect that by now. At least, that's what he'd hoped as he finally made his way up and down the staircase for the thousandth time. See, the first time, he'd gone a little too far. At least he recognized his error! But, by the time he backtracked, he'd realized he'd left his pie on one of the floors. Problem was, he couldn't remember which.]

[But, as many things seem to do, that slight misfortune concluded quite pleasantly. He'd found the pie only after searching a few other floors, and continued back down until he spotted the "room with the books". Never mind the books - there was a very familiar set of horns!]

Heyyy, brother!

[He almost tripped over his feet running over to Tavros. Almost! But, not quite. It was sort of a graceful stumble. ~~If anything about Gamzee could be considered "graceful".~~]

[He was just... so glad to see him. After all of this. As soon as he reached the other boy, he scooped him up in a crushing brohug.]

[ Tavros looked genuinely upset, but as soon as he heard Gamzee calling for him- it all changed. His mood immediately lightened up, and he felt a great sense of easement. There's a smile on his lips that grew noticeably gleeful as Gamzee approached him, stretching his arms wide open for the embrace.

Oh. It's good to know that Gamzee's strength is as impressive as always. Tavros' ribs confirm it. Well, that's how he likes his hugs. Call him weird. Whatever. ]

Hey, Gamzee! I'm so happy you made it. I was, uh, kinda worried back then.

[ He returns the embrace, arms around those shoulders, and he squeezed back. Just as hard. He's not letting go anytime soon. ]

[That is just motherfucking fine by him! They would brohug for all of eternity if Gamzee were left in charge of it. Actually, well, a little more would be involved if Gamzee were left in charge of it. BUT, DETAILS.............]

Aw, shit, motherfucker. You ain't gotta get no worries on at me, you know? Ain't like this brother to be down in the proverbial motherfucking dumps for long!

[He shook Tavros back and forth a little bit. What, he wasn't delaying putting him down or anything creepy like that.]

[ That's not creepy at all. What is truly creepy is Tavros getting a kick out of being crushed and tossed around like that. He muffles back a laugh, giving his brother a reassuring pat on the back of his shoulders.

In some point, which seemed after an eternity, Tavros decided to wiggle his way to the ground, not completely breaking the embrace, but he figured that exhausting Gamzee with his own weight is not the smart thing to do right now.

Also, he wanted to take a decent look at him. ]

Do you still feel any pain, bro?

[Taking a decent look at him was probably not the best idea. It's not that his paint was mussed or anything, for he'd woken up just as he'd been before the experiment. He looked clean (well, clean for Gamzee standards), rested, in his usual state of dishevelment. The only thing that was off about him was his expression. He was genuinely happy to see Tavros - he'd missed him so much this past month - but even though his body was rested, he looked tired. The memories of the surgeries gnawed at his pan. The slime helped that, mostly.]

[He shook his head in response to Tavros' question. Agh, agh, this boy!!! Stop worrying so much, will you? All Gamzee wants to do is see you happy. He grinned wide.]

Nope! Ain't nothin' at all crawlin' up and down my motherfucking bones no more!

[He finally unwrapped his death-grip arms from around Tavros, wiggling them out at his sides to demonstrate.]

This motherfucker is fine as moonshine, my brother. What say you all be slammin' in me a bit about your fuckin' self, though!? You said they ain't gotten to be all up and fuckin' hurting you or nothing, right?

[ You know, Gamzee. The main reason behind Tavros' hideous worrying is the fact you keep insisting that you're fine.

You're anything but fine. You're hurting, and probably scared and ... did I mention hurting? No, stop saying you're fine. This word is no longer acceptable in your vocabulary for today!!

... If only he is brave enough to confront Gamzee this way, but in reality, Tavros is too afraid of screwing things up and end up upsetting the highblood instead. And now- Tavros is the one zoning out for a change. ]

... Huh?

Oh. [ He shrugs. ] They were tormenting us with boredom? I mean- the last week was unbearable because we spent it trapped in an empty space with nothing to do but stare at each other. It was really lame.

[But he is fine, honest! At least, he's fine because he wants himself to be fine, so as long as he keeps saying he's fine, he's gotta be fine! Can I say "fine" any more? Don't think so. Point is, he's fine!]

[Gamzee laughs as Tavros zones the fuck out for a little while. Best to not interrupt his chill. When the kid finally comes to, his recap of their pod situation gives him mixed feelings. One the one hand, he's upset that Tavros was miserable. On the other, he could only be grateful that he wasn't subjected to Jason's pod.]

Shit, brother. That don't sound like no motherfucking fun at all.

[Sympathetic pat on the shoulder!]

I'dda been there we all coulda thrown down them most motherfuckin' sickest of beats, yo. Kick that wicked boredom noise all out the fucking pod, we all would've.

Man, I've been thinking about that! I wish you've been in our group, like you said- we could have dropped some wicked noise and enjoyed ourselves. [ A brief laugh. ] And, uh, you would be all safe and none of that horrible things ... would have happened to you.

[ Oh god, he's really trying so hard not to depress Gamzee and keep reminding him about that horrible experience. Trying ... so hard. Okay, he's just going to say one thing about this whole situation. Just one more thing and he'll keep his mouth shut. Promise!!! ]

Gamzee, I know that you've always felt the need to be strong around us and ... do what you can, so we don't worry and stuff. But- I just want to make it very clear that I, uh, can handle it. You know? ... If I can't promise to protect my friends, I can surely promise that I will be strong for them when they need it.

That's all.

[ Okay done. ]

Edited 2012-07-15 04:07 (UTC)

[Those jagged teeth filled up his entire mouth as he listened to Tavros go on about their imaginary rap-offs. Oh, how he actually wished that was a Thing, and not just a thing they were fantasizing about.]

[At the mention of... that... stuff... and after Tavros had said his piece, Gamzee went quiet for a second. Not a particularly bad silence, since he'd brought his hand up, grasping his chin in thought and making more of a stupid pondering face than any of the other, more serious faces he could have made. Yeah, it was okay. He was getting the hang of not letting it affect him so much, and especially around his little buddy!]

...Brother-

[What exactly did he want to say? He had never been very good with words. He started to get rambly and off-topic whenever he tried talking about something remotely important. He would try to focus, this time, but he couldn't promise anything.]

Brother, I ain't meanin' no motherfuckin' disrespect all in you for bein' to like, all dodging the motherfuckin' nasty noise or nothing.

I just, uh...

[He just what? He just what? Ugh, he had no idea what he was saying. Gamzee scrunched his face up, scratching at his nose, now.]

Gamzee. It's okay. [ He smiled, feeling the slight tingle around his cheeks and the tip of his ears. A bit of brown showing, too. ] I'm just letting a brother know that I got his back. You don't have to explain anything.

[ Maybe he'd be more persistent if Gamzee's didn't have a morial, but since Karkat is here- Tavros feels slightly reassured. Yes! Gamzee is going to be a-okay. Just fine and dandy. Motherfucking fine as moonshine, right? And Feferi is going to be okay, too! She's ... going to be just fine. All of them. Fine. All fine. They should all get together and have a 'we are totally fine' party sometime, he decided.

Okay, he returns his focus back on Gamzee once another episode of 'zoning out' is over. It's turning into a thing. ]

However, I'd feel a little better, if you take it easy and rest for a while.

[ He placed a hand on Gamzee's shoulder. ]

Can you do that for me, bro?

Uh-

[Wait, what did he say? What was going on? Gamzee suddenly found it extremely difficult to concentrate because the tip of Tavros' little nose and the apples of his cheeks were now flushed with a hint of orangey-brown and there was the sweetest smile on his face and his hand was on Gamzee's shoulder and--]

[Oh man, oh man was he supposed to be saying something was it his turn to talk his hand was on his shoulder he was looking him in the eyes.]

Wh-- uh, I, uhhh...

[Those were not words. Try again!!!]

...Wh...at?

Um.

[ Gamzee. Gamzee please. He can't deal with you staring at him like that, and he can't deal with feels in general! They're just all over the place right now. I mean- he can't even express how much he's worried about you without coming out too pushy, and then he loses confident and decides to back off- and then he changed his mind and tried to meddle again.

He's just horrible at this. It's embarrassing.

He gives Gamzee's shoulder a reassuring squeeze before his arm dropped dead to his side. ]

... I don't know.

[No wait why did the hand leave fuck.]

[Unfortunately, not being able to even understand his own mind, it was impossible for Gamzee to attempt to piece together Tavros' thought processes. The only things he saw were the hesitation, gradually diminishing into uncertainty, and then the loss of contact.]

[Guh, okay, no big deal. If Gamzee was capable of feeling awkward, the silence right now would probably rank up there with Most Motherfucking Awkward. But, he... never really felt awkward. Ever. Maybe because his whole existence was outwardly awkward and he'd just become either immune or blissfully unaware to all of the unease he caused every time he opened his mouth. Yeah, this was less "awkward" and more "let's not go there again because it didn't end too well last time". If one was actually able to scrunch all of their facial features together in a nice, tight mess, that would probably be what Gamzee was attempting to do.]

Oh.

Edited 2012-07-20 09:03 (UTC)

[ okay, no. He's not going to do the same mistake again. He fucked up with Vriska, but he's not going to fuck it up with Gamzee as well.

But- ... how? Also, where to begin?? Everything was so messed up, he's not even sure how to render all his thoughts into meaningful words. Oddly, he knew the feelings were all manufactured out of guilt, worry and self-pity. How is that even a combination to flushed feelings is beyond his comprehension, but he figured he can't possibly be that upset over the idea of this troll being in any form of pain without ... you know.

... Maybe? Ugh.

The silence was way too long this time, and the air felt heavy. Tavros didn't break their eye contact, even though it was quite painful to stare at the face Gamzee was making and his discomfort is defiantly rubbing off on him, but- he tried to keep the atmosphere light. ]

Brother, I- I'm sorry. I don't mean any disrespect, I'm just trying to make sure ... I'm not misreading anything in here. You know? Um.

Are you ... red for me?

[ Stupid question? Maybe. He just wanted to make sure before he proceeds with hideous confessions that could potentially make their future encounter awkward too. Better safe than sorry. ]

[Oh, fuck.]

[For the love of fuck why was this happening right now. He was such a wreck his stomach was freezing over and his face was practically melting and he felt like he'd tried to swallow an entire pie at once and it all got jammed in his throat on the way down.]

...

[What kind of a question was that, anyway!? The answer to it was so painfully obvious to any and all parties involved, as well as to any outside observers, that it was almost laughable. Given the previous circumstances regarding this particular subject, it seemed Tavros' only motivation for even asking was to add insult to injury by making Gamzee answer.]

[What was he going to do, lie!? He wouldn't dare lie to Tavros, not about this. Gods, it used to be so damn easy to deal with this shit! Say how you felt, embrace whatever repercussions there were without a single fucking care in the world. When did he become so obsessed with the details and intricacies and implications of every single thing!?]

[If he answered, he'd either lie, or tell the truth. Simple as that. However, the effects each answer would have varied wildly. He wasn't in any sort of position to be acting on his feelings. He didn't even fucking know what feelings he was really feeling at any given point in time. Except, these red feelings, he was pretty sure those were a constant. They'd never wavered before, and that point had been solidified, well, now, when they'd met up again after the experiments were over.]

[It was hard to save face around Tavros. It was hard, because at any second he could become a whirlwind of anger and anxiety and every terrible emotion crammed into one, and sometimes he had no idea what would trigger it, or if it was even triggered by anything at all. The slime helped, he kept repeating to himself and everyone around him, but its comfort only felt temporary at best, when before it had been everything he'd ever needed.]

[He was fucking everything up, everywhere he went. He didn't want to fuck this up. He knew, he knew if he tried to push this any farther, it would get mangled into something unrecognizable - something so much worse than just being told "no". He'd lost any and all footing that had been under him, grappling at nonsense and things that he used to think were so fucking stable in the beginning. What more could he do than answer? He couldn't keep their eye contact. He felt sick.]

I never... stopped...

Edited 2012-07-21 00:33 (UTC)

[ Tavros agrees. It is a horrible timing to have such a discussion and he's most-likely stressing Gamzee instead of offering him comfort. Still, he couldn't drop the subject now, that would only add more fuel to the fire and fuck everything up. All he can do now is stay calm and prepare himself.

Okay, remaining calm is one hell of a challenge here. Tavros is so ridiculously terrified right not it's not even funny. He wished he could have been more prepared and written a speech or something, but he'll have to manage with what his think pan can muster under such stress and frustration. It's a good thing Gamzee's focus was anywhere but Tavros' face, because then he would surely notice his futile attempts in speaking only to end up cowering behind sealed lips.

Okay, here goes. ]

I'm ... not really good at this. I'd like to blame my lack of confidence and uncertainty, but that's not really an excuse worth using ... anymore. [ He toys with his fingers, reckoning he's off to a good start, and he should keep up this pace without turning off topic. In fact, he decided to bite the bullet and just be forward for a change. ]

It's not that ... I don't have feelings for you, brother. Because, I kinda do. It's, um, confusing a little?

[ A pause to let that sink in, mostly for himself and not Gamzee. It's funny, he always assumed flushed confessions are made of fairies and double rainbows, but he felt he was walking on thin ice, and everything might be ruined in a matter of seconds. But, he's still going strong in keep his gaze secured on the troll before him, even when Gamzee just looked so horribly ill, and it made Tavros' confidence drop to a new level of low. ]

I- Um. I ..

[ ... Yeah, okay. He's lost again. ]

Edited (spaaaaams) 2012-07-21 06:46 (UTC)

[The silence was actually good. The silence before Tavros spoke again meant that he didn't have to deal with whatever response he felt he had to make. Honestly, the boy didn't really have to say anything in response. Gamzee was beginning to feel that not saying anything - for once - was probably a wiser choice. Old habits die hard, however, and he wasn't sure how he felt about actually retaining a little bit of his old, carefree self, spilling shit out of his mouth before giving it a proper once-over in his head.]

[He supposed it was good.]

[But, Gods, when Tavros started talking, he was all stutters and uncertainty. They'd used to be so open with each other, everything was free and easy, there was no second-guessing or tripping over words. Fuck this Tower. Just... fuck this Tower. He loved it and he hated it at the same time and he'd never felt this way, not even on the meteor. Being here made him hate the meteor and hate the lab and hate, hate, hate, he'd never hated so much in his life!]

[Stop. Stop, calm down and listen to him. Tavros continued, and... and Gamzee's stomach, instead of feeling cold and heavy, suddenly felt like it was a pod of restless larvae, crawling around everywhere and squirming and now his eyes were probably bugging out of his head like some idiot. He what? He had... he had what? Lords have fucking mercy on his hysterical soul - he was pretty sure Tavros had made it clear with the excessive use of commas that he did not, in fact, reciprocate the feelings Gamzee had offered him what seemed like sweeps and sweeps ago.]

[And he was stuttering again, stopped talking. Trailed off. Did he just say that to spare Gamzee the second rejection? It really didn't hurt him all that much the first time around, honestly. They remained friends, and he was in the best state of mind back then to just shrug it off. If Gamzee asked any more, Tavros would have been put on the spot. If he put him on the spot, it could make things worse. GODS! Why the fuck was he fucking thinking so much!? It was fucking infuriating! The fuck did he have to go and tell him that for? What did he expect from him? Was he just fucking with him? What--]

What the fuck did I all do motherfucking different!?

[Oh, Jesus.]

[ Okay.

This is exactly what he was trying so hard to avoid. This reaction right fucking here. You see this reaction? This is the last thing he wanted!

Tavros visibly flinched at the sudden outburst, eyes wide open, and he takes a step back. This is probably the first time he managed to see his friend lose it and wow- talk about a real fright!

... You know what really hurts? Gamzee was genuinely mad at him, and it was all his fucking fault. This was a bad idea. It was a horrible, horrible idea. He should have kept his mouth shut and like- pretend everything is fine and fucking dandy. Maybe ignore the whole thing or whatever ridiculous, uncertain feels he was having.

Too late for that! He fucked up big time. Gamzee lost it, and you know what? Tavros deserves it. Hell, he wouldn't even insult the highblood by defending himself. You know what else? It hurts like a bitch. It hurts so badly- Tavros is certain that he'll never forgive himself.

He turned to his side, with every intention of walking away, but he- stopped, took a deep breath, and turned to face Gamzee again.

His eyes were glued to the ground, staring miserably and all he could mutter is- ]

... I'm sorry.

[Fuck shit ass tits.]

[That's not what he wanted to say. That's not what he wanted to happen. It never fucking failed. Every time something even remotely serious happened, he had to fly off the fucking handle and start screaming and wailing on shit. He'd had a pie, for Christ's sake, he wasn't supposed to be flipping out like this! Never before had his emotions been so unstable - it was so, so frustrating.]

[Gamzee squeezed his eyes shut and pressed the heels of his palms against them, thin fingers reaching out to tangle in the snarls of bangs that hung down over his forehead.]

That ain't-- I--

[UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. God, fuck, he was getting angry again. Tavros didn't have to be sorry - he didn't do anything wrong! Gamzee wasn't angry at him at all, he was just... just angry... just so, so angry all the time, in general.]

That ain't what all I was motherfuckin' meaning to say at you.

[Apologize. Apologize, you motherfucker.]

...

[Nice.]

[ A blissful moment of silence followed, and Tavros just stood there staring between the ground and Gamzee. He prepared himself for the worst, but he figured that standing here like a total idiot is not going to fix anything. And dear god he needs to fix this right now before it gets any worst.

It took a great deal of hesitations before he urged his legs to move, and a few easy steps brought him closer to Gamzee's side. He stood there for a while, making sure the highblood was aware of his presence before pressing his hand against the center of his back, gently sliding it up and down his spinal line. Nice and easy.

Nope. He can't walk away from this. If he had to apologize a million times he's going to do it. He can't afford to lose his brother. ]

It's okay, brother. It's not the right time to talk about this. My bad. You're not feeling very well, and- we can just drop it. Forget about it, too. Or maybe talk about it later when you feel better, whatever you want.

I just ... don't want to upset you anymore.

[ God, it really hurts watching Gamzee like this. He just wants it to stop. ]

... Okay?

[Video.]

[Video.]

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Done.

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