animus_network | second vision: exhaustion

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second vision: exhaustion | text

If I'm right, it's coming up on a year for me since I arrived. Just about three more months, I think.

So, I'd like to pose a question to anyone who has been here longer than I:

How do you deal with it? How do you deal with the ennui, the endless stretches of nothing when the administrators aren't up to tricks? How do you deal with knowing you might never leave?

I had a purpose back home, but here I do not. I am not even a pawn anymore. It's a sad day when you miss being a pawn, isn't it?

Is this how a puppet feels when its strings are cut and it is thrown into the trash?

...Sorry. I just really needed to vent, in the end. Even if it was just over the network. Then again, it's kind of like the internet in that respect, when you think about it.

Thanks for hearing me out. Well, if you didn't, that's fine too. I know I probably sound like a whiny teenager. (Well, I AM a teenager, but that's beside the point, don't you think?) :)

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huh? you're only a pawn if you wanna be one. fight back if it bugs you. don't just sit there and take it!

[Shh it's totally not Naoya this person doesn't use capital letters see?]

That's an interesting thing to say. The person - no, I should say people using me as a pawn are much more intelligent than I am, and with my trump card disabled here I can't see whether or not the outcome will be for the best.

Besides, it's better than rotting away in a hospital room. Not much better, but still something. Of course, the moment I become useless or the moment the mastermind's goal is completed, I'll be abandoned. I know that. Still, I'd rather say that I did something during my life rather than staying in that damned hospital and doing nothing.

[Man she doesn't even care who it is on the other end right now.]

[Ow. Thanks, Asako. Thanks for having such little faith in him. How to put this in a way that doesn't tip her off...]

i dunno. you seem smart enough. and i don't think someone who puts their faith in you would throw you away so quickly.

I assure you, I'm not that bright.

And yeah, I know that too. Still, it's...a fear of mine, I guess you could say. Mostly because that's how it always seemed to me. Most of the human interaction in my life has been second-hand, through my visions. Humans are backstabbers, most of the time. The moment they get what they want, they kick the people who helped them to the curb. That's what I've seen. And though the person - people - who I am working for are like brothers to me, I'm still...afraid, I guess. I never really learned to trust anyone, except maybe the nurses.

Tell me, anonymous. Were you there for the incident with the fog, and people facing their dark sides?

I was, but I wasn't able to locate or overcome mine.

I regret that. If I had, I wouldn't be like this now, would I?

Haha, sorry for rambling at you. I should probably go to a therapist about this but, well, Tower. :)

some people are nice though. you can trust some people.

i was yeah. and not everyone did. maybe it means you didn't need to.

yeah i get it. it sucks.

I know, but I'm afraid. People disappear, they change, nothing's constant except the admins, and even they aren't constant.

Heh, it's ridiculous, isn't it? I'm the weak one, and yet I go lashing out at others like they're to blame for it. People disappear from the Tower all the time...I guess I'd deserve it, and he'd be back with his real cousin, anyway.

I don't know about that. Congratulations on being able to face down your dark side, by the way.

it's normal to lash out sometimes i think. and just because you're not the same doesn't mean this person doesn't care about you.

i didn't say i faced mine. i did but i didn't say it. i'm not sure it really worked well though.

Still, I've already been quite a nuisance. Needy and weak and all that. Pretty ironic for someone who's supposed to champion that whole "the strong survive" thing.

And yeah, I know. His shadow said as much. Also said he hated my guts and tried to throttle me.
Normal familial relationship, I guess? :)

Oh, you didn't? Yeah, I guess you didn't say that. There I go racing off to assumptions again. Sorry.

that sort of stuff doesn't make you weak. it makes you human.

... well most siblings tend to want to kill each other sometimes right?

it's fine.

I'm a demon now, though. That means I gave up my humanity, right?

Bah, I'm no good at this! I wish the Star were still here. :(

I guess that's true, but I wouldn't know for sure. He and I were, after all, born as cousins and not siblings - in either universe. [Though now she's getting a little headtilty at the screen. She said they were "like" siblings, not that they were siblings. Odd that anon would call them that.

....Odd, but touching in a way.

Well. Now she just feels like a really lousy little sibling. She'd deserve to be lost, at this rate.]

it doesn't have to.

star?

and cousins can be like siblings if you spend enough time with them.

[Okay now she's headtilting again. Anon seems very wise.]

Heh. Sorry for talking down at you earlier, it's pretty obvious you know more than I do. See what I meant when I said I'm not that bright? :)

You know, the Morning Star?

Yeah, that's true. Guess I'm just stupid paranoid. :( ...And not paranoid enough! Oh crap, I

Hey, if you're reading this, I'm sorry.

I'm a really lousy little sister/cousin/whatever. :)

You can hate me for it, I don't mind. :)

Sorry for interrupting, anonymous, but my cousin's a bit of a tech genius and tends to be something of a ninja too, despite being stupid tall. (It's not fair! We're related, but somehow I ended up a runt and he ended up a freaking giant! It's not fair, I tell you!!!)

Edited 2013-04-04 07:13 (UTC)

Back in my home, I was a soccer player, and I was a very important part of my team. I know it isn't much of a feat, but to me, it was everything. It was my purpose in life, there was nothing else that was more important to me than helping my team become the strongest team out there. There were no one more important to me than my teammates.

Since coming here, I've lost my purpose. I've lost my teammates. I didn't know what to do with myself anymore. It wasn't until a few months ago that I finally figured out what to do with myself. I've made new friends, some of my teammates have come here from home, and I've even been able to find the person I love the most, and that's something I never thought I'd be able to find back home.

All of the friendships I've made here are precious to me, and I want to protect them all with everything I've got. They are the reason I can keep going, even though I've spent a whole year in this place.

What I'm saying is, find a new purpose and stick to it. That is how you'll be able to keep moving forward, even in a dark place like this.

it's fine you don't have to apologize. it's... hard to see things other than your own view a lot. and that doesn't mean you're dumb.

oh okay.

... huh.

i found a new purpose
and i occupy myself by staying with the people i love

Compared to my cousin, I mean! Sheesh. Quite honestly, I think he's better suited to surviving in this tower than I am.

... But don't tell him I said that okay? :) The younger relative has to be an insufferable brat, that's the rules, right?

[THERE'S ALWAYS A CHANCE HE ISN'T WATCHING...!]

Edited 2013-04-05 03:53 (UTC)

I think you're right.

This is just like the Lockdown back home, when we were all trapped in one place and couldn't leave or return to our "normal" lives. The only difference is that it's going on for so long and there's no end in sight.

You've got a point.

Do you think pestering the admins until they give me back that one disabled power of mine would be a good new purpose? :)

Are the people you care for freaking ninjas, too, Lancer? :(

that's definitely part of the rules.

[Right, her oracular abilities may be disabled, but her intuition isn't.]

yep! of course the other rules don't apply to me 'cause I'm the younger one. :) still, it's fun just the same!

...when the person in question can actually be located that is. how the hell does someone be that stealthy in freaking geta?

[NOW, TO WAIT...]

Am I right in presuming you're human or like one? We have free will, which means we are not bound to purposes nor do we have strings. We can travel whatever paths we find. In this place, there is much to do when we are not being tormented. There is beauty to behold in some floors, and there are others in danger on others.

There is the inevitability, too, of peace. No hardship is permanent, whether it lasts five days, five decades, five centuries, or five millennia. Peace of a sort always awaits, if you can find it. Even if our escape is not literal, one day we will have it. Everything will be fine if we persevere.

nothing of the sort
yeah my brother can get a little hard to find
but he's usually out helping people

I was human. It's strange, but I still regret giving it up sometimes. Even though I won't age and might not die as easily, I still know that I will outlive everyone I care for.

Don't tell my cousin I said that, please? I don't want him feeling guilty. He may be a smug jerk, but he kicks himself around too much for his own good, too. :(

You're really optimistic - that isn't a bad thing. :) Yeah, I think we will get out of here, eventually. Even if it means breaking all the things here, it has to happen. It's much more difficult to believe in it when you can't actually see the possible outcomes, though...

Do you think traveling the floors and pestering the admins between journeys could be a good purpose?

My cousin's just a smug jerk who's WAY too good at disappearing, even with those damn sandals going clack-clack-clack!!! }:( And I don't think he's out helping people though. I mean, you two met, right? He's probably off giving them hell.

(disclaimer tho I am the younger relative and so it's kind of my job to be an insufferable brat, I think. :))

[Anonymous didn't respond to her inquiry about the geta. That can only mean one thing.

Muttering a stream of very choice invectives, she ditches the terminal and attempts to GTFO the library before Naoya finds her.

Never trust Anonymous to not be your asshole cousin. DULY NOTED.

Time to go somewhere he won't try to find her for the next few hours. As much as it kills her to do this.... She makes a beeline for the cathedral floor and crawls under one of the pews.

She's a demon, yes, but Naoya is Naoya. Naoya haet religion and religious places. This is a foolproof plan with no holes in it.]

Edited 2013-04-05 04:42 (UTC)

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second vision: exhaustion | text

[Text] [Anon]

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[anon 5ever]

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[text] gomen he kind of likes to talk forever

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[text] you should be gomen she's got horrible plans now

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