animus_network | second vision: exhaustion

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second vision: exhaustion | text

If I'm right, it's coming up on a year for me since I arrived. Just about three more months, I think.

So, I'd like to pose a question to anyone who has been here longer than I:

How do you deal with it? How do you deal with the ennui, the endless stretches of nothing when the administrators aren't up to tricks? How do you deal with knowing you might never leave?

I had a purpose back home, but here I do not. I am not even a pawn anymore. It's a sad day when you miss being a pawn, isn't it?

Is this how a puppet feels when its strings are cut and it is thrown into the trash?

...Sorry. I just really needed to vent, in the end. Even if it was just over the network. Then again, it's kind of like the internet in that respect, when you think about it.

Thanks for hearing me out. Well, if you didn't, that's fine too. I know I probably sound like a whiny teenager. (Well, I AM a teenager, but that's beside the point, don't you think?) :)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

That's an interesting thing to say. The person - no, I should say people using me as a pawn are much more intelligent than I am, and with my trump card disabled here I can't see whether or not the outcome will be for the best.

Besides, it's better than rotting away in a hospital room. Not much better, but still something. Of course, the moment I become useless or the moment the mastermind's goal is completed, I'll be abandoned. I know that. Still, I'd rather say that I did something during my life rather than staying in that damned hospital and doing nothing.

[Man she doesn't even care who it is on the other end right now.]

[Ow. Thanks, Asako. Thanks for having such little faith in him. How to put this in a way that doesn't tip her off...]

i dunno. you seem smart enough. and i don't think someone who puts their faith in you would throw you away so quickly.

I assure you, I'm not that bright.

And yeah, I know that too. Still, it's...a fear of mine, I guess you could say. Mostly because that's how it always seemed to me. Most of the human interaction in my life has been second-hand, through my visions. Humans are backstabbers, most of the time. The moment they get what they want, they kick the people who helped them to the curb. That's what I've seen. And though the person - people - who I am working for are like brothers to me, I'm still...afraid, I guess. I never really learned to trust anyone, except maybe the nurses.

Tell me, anonymous. Were you there for the incident with the fog, and people facing their dark sides?

I was, but I wasn't able to locate or overcome mine.

I regret that. If I had, I wouldn't be like this now, would I?

Haha, sorry for rambling at you. I should probably go to a therapist about this but, well, Tower. :)

some people are nice though. you can trust some people.

i was yeah. and not everyone did. maybe it means you didn't need to.

yeah i get it. it sucks.

I know, but I'm afraid. People disappear, they change, nothing's constant except the admins, and even they aren't constant.

Heh, it's ridiculous, isn't it? I'm the weak one, and yet I go lashing out at others like they're to blame for it. People disappear from the Tower all the time...I guess I'd deserve it, and he'd be back with his real cousin, anyway.

I don't know about that. Congratulations on being able to face down your dark side, by the way.

it's normal to lash out sometimes i think. and just because you're not the same doesn't mean this person doesn't care about you.

i didn't say i faced mine. i did but i didn't say it. i'm not sure it really worked well though.

Still, I've already been quite a nuisance. Needy and weak and all that. Pretty ironic for someone who's supposed to champion that whole "the strong survive" thing.

And yeah, I know. His shadow said as much. Also said he hated my guts and tried to throttle me.
Normal familial relationship, I guess? :)

Oh, you didn't? Yeah, I guess you didn't say that. There I go racing off to assumptions again. Sorry.

that sort of stuff doesn't make you weak. it makes you human.

... well most siblings tend to want to kill each other sometimes right?

it's fine.

I'm a demon now, though. That means I gave up my humanity, right?

Bah, I'm no good at this! I wish the Star were still here. :(

I guess that's true, but I wouldn't know for sure. He and I were, after all, born as cousins and not siblings - in either universe. [Though now she's getting a little headtilty at the screen. She said they were "like" siblings, not that they were siblings. Odd that anon would call them that.

....Odd, but touching in a way.

Well. Now she just feels like a really lousy little sibling. She'd deserve to be lost, at this rate.]

it doesn't have to.

star?

and cousins can be like siblings if you spend enough time with them.

[Okay now she's headtilting again. Anon seems very wise.]

Heh. Sorry for talking down at you earlier, it's pretty obvious you know more than I do. See what I meant when I said I'm not that bright? :)

You know, the Morning Star?

Yeah, that's true. Guess I'm just stupid paranoid. :( ...And not paranoid enough! Oh crap, I

Hey, if you're reading this, I'm sorry.

I'm a really lousy little sister/cousin/whatever. :)

You can hate me for it, I don't mind. :)

Sorry for interrupting, anonymous, but my cousin's a bit of a tech genius and tends to be something of a ninja too, despite being stupid tall. (It's not fair! We're related, but somehow I ended up a runt and he ended up a freaking giant! It's not fair, I tell you!!!)

Edited 2013-04-04 07:13 (UTC)

it's fine you don't have to apologize. it's... hard to see things other than your own view a lot. and that doesn't mean you're dumb.

oh okay.

... huh.

Compared to my cousin, I mean! Sheesh. Quite honestly, I think he's better suited to surviving in this tower than I am.

... But don't tell him I said that okay? :) The younger relative has to be an insufferable brat, that's the rules, right?

[THERE'S ALWAYS A CHANCE HE ISN'T WATCHING...!]

Edited 2013-04-05 03:53 (UTC)

that's definitely part of the rules.

[Right, her oracular abilities may be disabled, but her intuition isn't.]

yep! of course the other rules don't apply to me 'cause I'm the younger one. :) still, it's fun just the same!

...when the person in question can actually be located that is. how the hell does someone be that stealthy in freaking geta?

[NOW, TO WAIT...]

[Anonymous didn't respond to her inquiry about the geta. That can only mean one thing.

Muttering a stream of very choice invectives, she ditches the terminal and attempts to GTFO the library before Naoya finds her.

Never trust Anonymous to not be your asshole cousin. DULY NOTED.

Time to go somewhere he won't try to find her for the next few hours. As much as it kills her to do this.... She makes a beeline for the cathedral floor and crawls under one of the pews.

She's a demon, yes, but Naoya is Naoya. Naoya haet religion and religious places. This is a foolproof plan with no holes in it.]

Edited 2013-04-05 04:42 (UTC)

[Unfortunately for her, Naoya expects her to think of this, which is why he heads towards the cathedral and sighs.]

I know you're here, Asako. Come out from under the pew.

[Sound does not carry well in the cathedral.

... So what was that "thunk" noise coming from one of the pews near the middle of the room?

Yep. Somebody tried to scramble out too quickly and thunked her head. Whoops.]

[He heads over towards the middle of the room, looking around for tiny overlords.]

Asako. Come out here.

[He doesn't sound mad, at least?]

[After a few moments, she does manage to crawl out from under the pew without injuring herself any further. She looks very much like she has already paid for her foolishness.

(Well, with that headache...)]

Uh...Hi.

[He crouches down and holds out a hand to her.]

... Do you really think of yourself as a lousy sister? Because that is completely untrue.

T-thanks.

[Ugh, ow. She manages to stand up with Naoya's help.]

...Mm...maybe. It's pretty difficult to think otherwise when comparing oneself to, well, you. 'Sides, I kind of left things undone, back home.

You shouldn't. I have memories going back over fifty five hundred years. You have memories going back seventeen, if that. We're not in the same category.

[... He guides her to sit on one of the pews, and he sits on the one in front of her, turning around to rest his arms on the back of it.]

As for things left undone? You'll get to them.

[He sighs a little, and hunches his shoulders a bit.]

The me in your universe is very lucky to have you.

And...admittedly, most of those memories are of being in a hospital.

[Also the visions which make no sense when you are three.]

The world ended, though. I won't - I did it for nothing if that's the case.

[She looks up at the oth-- at Naoya, looking kind of like a lost puppy for a moment. She's surprisingly good at that. She then looks back down at the ground, at her hands.]

...I hope he thinks so himself, considering how much trouble I've been.

Despite reports, I don't think our worlds are gone. If that were so - if everything were dead - my curse would be broken, wouldn't it? He would be dead.

[Or, more terrifyingly, killing God won't break his curse. ... He tries not to think about that.]

Trust me. He's had worse. You're no trouble at all.

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[anon 5ever]

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