second vision: exhaustion | text

[sawthelockdown]

If I'm right, it's coming up on a year for me since I arrived. Just about three more months, I think.

So, I'd like to pose a question to anyone who has been here longer than I:

How do you deal with it? How do you deal with the ennui, the endless stretches of nothing when the administrators aren't up to tricks? How do you deal with knowing you might never leave?

I had a purpose back home, but here I do not. I am not even a pawn anymore. It's a sad day when you miss being a pawn, isn't it?

Is this how a puppet feels when its strings are cut and it is thrown into the trash?


...Sorry. I just really needed to vent, in the end. Even if it was just over the network. Then again, it's kind of like the internet in that respect, when you think about it.

Thanks for hearing me out. Well, if you didn't, that's fine too. I know I probably sound like a whiny teenager. (Well, I AM a teenager, but that's beside the point, don't you think?) :)

Comments

[Text] [Anon]

[crouching_sin]

huh? you're only a pawn if you wanna be one. fight back if it bugs you. don't just sit there and take it!

[Shh it's totally not Naoya this person doesn't use capital letters see?]

[Text]

[sawthelockdown]

That's an interesting thing to say. The person - no, I should say people using me as a pawn are much more intelligent than I am, and with my trump card disabled here I can't see whether or not the outcome will be for the best.

Besides, it's better than rotting away in a hospital room. Not much better, but still something. Of course, the moment I become useless or the moment the mastermind's goal is completed, I'll be abandoned. I know that. Still, I'd rather say that I did something during my life rather than staying in that damned hospital and doing nothing.

[Man she doesn't even care who it is on the other end right now.]

[anon 5ever]

[crouching_sin]

[Ow. Thanks, Asako. Thanks for having such little faith in him. How to put this in a way that doesn't tip her off...]

i dunno. you seem smart enough. and i don't think someone who puts their faith in you would throw you away so quickly.

[Text]

[sawthelockdown]

I assure you, I'm not that bright.

And yeah, I know that too. Still, it's...a fear of mine, I guess you could say. Mostly because that's how it always seemed to me. Most of the human interaction in my life has been second-hand, through my visions. Humans are backstabbers, most of the time. The moment they get what they want, they kick the people who helped them to the curb. That's what I've seen. And though the person - people - who I am working for are like brothers to me, I'm still...afraid, I guess. I never really learned to trust anyone, except maybe the nurses.

Tell me, anonymous. Were you there for the incident with the fog, and people facing their dark sides?

I was, but I wasn't able to locate or overcome mine.

I regret that. If I had, I wouldn't be like this now, would I?

Haha, sorry for rambling at you. I should probably go to a therapist about this but, well, Tower. :)

[crouching_sin]

some people are nice though. you can trust some people.

i was yeah. and not everyone did. maybe it means you didn't need to.

yeah i get it. it sucks.

[text] gomen he kind of likes to talk forever

[pengeen]

Back in my home, I was a soccer player, and I was a very important part of my team. I know it isn't much of a feat, but to me, it was everything. It was my purpose in life, there was nothing else that was more important to me than helping my team become the strongest team out there. There were no one more important to me than my teammates.

Since coming here, I've lost my purpose. I've lost my teammates. I didn't know what to do with myself anymore. It wasn't until a few months ago that I finally figured out what to do with myself. I've made new friends, some of my teammates have come here from home, and I've even been able to find the person I love the most, and that's something I never thought I'd be able to find back home.

All of the friendships I've made here are precious to me, and I want to protect them all with everything I've got. They are the reason I can keep going, even though I've spent a whole year in this place.

What I'm saying is, find a new purpose and stick to it. That is how you'll be able to keep moving forward, even in a dark place like this.

[text] you should be gomen she's got horrible plans now

[sawthelockdown]

I think you're right.

This is just like the Lockdown back home, when we were all trapped in one place and couldn't leave or return to our "normal" lives. The only difference is that it's going on for so long and there's no end in sight.

You've got a point.


Do you think pestering the admins until they give me back that one disabled power of mine would be a good new purpose? :)

[text] oh no

[pengeen]

That would certainly take up a lot of spare time....

I'm not sure they would give it back, though.

[text] oh no INDEED

[sawthelockdown]

It'd still kill the time, though!

[puppy_lancer]

i found a new purpose
and i occupy myself by staying with the people i love

[sawthelockdown]

Are the people you care for freaking ninjas, too, Lancer? :(

[puppy_lancer]

nothing of the sort
yeah my brother can get a little hard to find
but he's usually out helping people

[sawthelockdown]

My cousin's just a smug jerk who's WAY too good at disappearing, even with those damn sandals going clack-clack-clack!!! }:( And I don't think he's out helping people though. I mean, you two met, right? He's probably off giving them hell.

(disclaimer tho I am the younger relative and so it's kind of my job to be an insufferable brat, I think. :))

[puppy_lancer]

yeah, i've seen him
sorry for saying this but he's kind of an ass
is he a bit better about telling you the truth now?

text

[warriorscribe]

Am I right in presuming you're human or like one? We have free will, which means we are not bound to purposes nor do we have strings. We can travel whatever paths we find. In this place, there is much to do when we are not being tormented. There is beauty to behold in some floors, and there are others in danger on others.

There is the inevitability, too, of peace. No hardship is permanent, whether it lasts five days, five decades, five centuries, or five millennia. Peace of a sort always awaits, if you can find it. Even if our escape is not literal, one day we will have it. Everything will be fine if we persevere.

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[sawthelockdown]

I was human. It's strange, but I still regret giving it up sometimes. Even though I won't age and might not die as easily, I still know that I will outlive everyone I care for.

Don't tell my cousin I said that, please? I don't want him feeling guilty. He may be a smug jerk, but he kicks himself around too much for his own good, too. :(

You're really optimistic - that isn't a bad thing. :) Yeah, I think we will get out of here, eventually. Even if it means breaking all the things here, it has to happen. It's much more difficult to believe in it when you can't actually see the possible outcomes, though...

Do you think traveling the floors and pestering the admins between journeys could be a good purpose?

text

[warriorscribe]

Another human made immortal. I know your pain all too well. You have my deepest sympathy.

I think our lack of ability to know how things will turn out for certain helps us more than it hurts us. It means that our future belongs to us. If we had the ability to see everything that could be, we might become so focused on creating one of those specific outcomes that we would not realize the good in the others.

I would be wary of "pestering" our hosts. A large group of young men and women, many in fact children, had such an idea, and they were severely punished for it.

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[sawthelockdown]

Thanks. I haven't lived long enough for it to really tell, but it will someday.

True, but - if you can see the ways a thing can turn out, you can choose the actions that lead to the least damaging outcome.

Oh, I know that! I was one of them. :) Hurling the thing off one of the wall-less floors worked just fine~

[...Enoch, your relatives from the DeSu 'verse are all certifiably dotty. Congrats.]

[Text]

[mostremaining]

I know how it feels to feel like you don't have a purpose. Back home, once upon a time, I was one of the strongest countries in the world. Then a huge war happened, and I had my country taken out from under me. Sometimes, sitting alone in my little brother's basement, I'd feel like I had no purpose, no further meaning to life. But after a while, I found a meaning of sorts. Maybe my perspective is a little skewed because I haven't been here as long as you, but... you find a meaning to life again after a while.

[Text]

[sawthelockdown]

You're a country? That's new.

Thanks, I think you might be right. It takes time, and the downtime always bites, but...eventually things do get better. I guess I'm just bored? Maybe it's time to go exploring the floors.

[Text]

[mostremaining]

That's right! I'm a country. Well, "was" is kind of more the appropriate word for a variety of reasons, but the point still stands. There's a few other countries here too, I think.

Boredom sucks, it really does. But if you do what you can, you might find purpose again eventually. And if you go exploring the floors, be careful! I mean, that goes without saying, but yeah.

text

[morituramfides]

You're right, you do sound like a whiny teenager.
Having some grand "purpose" to guide you through life is a stupid concept anyway.

It's better to just find something to keep yourself occupied in the downtime.
After a while, you stop noticing days and weeks pass anyway.
Smaller increments of time becoming meaningless.

text

[sawthelockdown]

You try being born able to see the future. It's difficult to think otherwise.

True enough! I guess I need to get a hobby.
Pestering the admins should work, right?

[#yololyfe]

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[morituramfides]

You try having portents of doom in your head and call me in the morning. Being aimless is pretty easy.

I'd say it's more of a junior training course.
Unfortunately it's hard to get a window to pester them on a regular basis.

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[sawthelockdown]

The future, portents of doom, it's all the same in the end, wouldn't you say?

A junior training course? Then what would the advanced classes be?? :D
There's always the suggestions box, though!