[Video/Action] Bittersweet the Bonds of the Heart

[oathshackledbird]

[Losing Mami, who he viewed as an adopted daughter, last month had been hard, but Diarmuid had worked his way through his grief by focusing on the happy times they had spent together.  However, when three more people he is close to are sent home--two of which he cares for like his own children--those happy memories become a source of pain instead of a route passed the grief.

When he appears on the Network, Diarmuid looks more lost and empty than he has in a long time.]

Usually, when I address everyone, I am asking for help on a project that will benefit the whole Tower.  Today, I am asking for help on a more personal level.

How does one handle losing a child?  Not just one, but several over a short period of time?  Nothing I try seems to work, and I am...

[His voice trails off here, shaking and uncertain.  A short time later, the feed ends.]

Action:

[After making his post, Diarmuid can be found wandering the Tower almost as if he hopes one of the floors might give him the answers he seeks.  There are some specific prompts below, but feel free to find him elsewhere.]

Room 4-16:

[A handmade wooden box sits on the bed next to Diarmuid.  Once it held chocolates, now it holds letters.  Several written in a childish hand are sitting on the top, but what Diarmuid is looking at is a pair of drawings that are usually set up near his bed on the nightstand.

He's not crying...  He's not...]

Floor 48 (The Graveyard):

[Rabbit would probably scold Diarmuid for singing what is suppose to be a funny song in such a sad voice, but it's hard to be happy when he is singing the song alone to the gravestone of the person who was suppose to be singing it with him.  He and Yotsuba had promised to get together to sing Rabbit's songs as a way of honoring their friend's memory...

Now that is never going to happen in any way other than this.]

Floor 3 (The Library):

[There is ink smudged on his cheek and his arm, but Diarmuid doesn't notice.  On the surface, he's focused on printing more copies of the Tower Guide to put out for those who might want them, but really he's in the Library for a very different reason.  Tohko was always here and it's like he feels spending time here will help him find her again--find that cheerful voice who had so often redirected him when he didn't know what to do next.  He almost expects to look up and see her there, smiling and ready to offer her help with what he's working on.

Unfortunately, no matter how long he waits, that will not happen.]

Floor 28 (The Music Room):

[Before even his brother, Labrys had been the first family Diarmuid had in this place.  Their bond created during the January experiment, afterward they had talked about learning to play an instrument together, but life in the Tower and his indecisiveness had kept them from doing so.  Now, as his hands run over the piano he had once heard her picking a tune out on, the sound of his grief blocks any music the instrument might make.

How is it that one who once lived his life with no regrets has so many of them now?]

Comments

4-16

[fionnuisce]

...

[Waver had come straight here after glancing over the network; the question wasn't one he could answer, so he said nothing. And still he said nothing, simply crossed the room and took a seat beside Diarmuid with hardly so much as a sound. Consoling him of all people usually came easily when it was necessary, but this was something Waver couldn't even begin to approach properly.]

4-16

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid doesn't say anything for a while. Having Waver there is comforting, but even that doesn't help him find a way to put what he's feeling into words. If he could do that, maybe he would be able to find a place to start moving forward from, but every time he tries to think about it too hard, his mind just blanks out.

His fingers lightly brush over the picture in his hand, providing the only noise in the room for a long time before he finally speaks in a soft and shaking voice.]

I-I know I can't give up--for them and for us--but...

[fionnuisce]

Giving up would be easier. [Tone even and sounding as though he knew he was stating facts, Waver's reply was completely calm.] If we gave up, we wouldn't have to fight anymore. We could simply say 'it's not my problem' and let everyone else worry about things while we just feel sorry for ourselves. That would be the simplest course of action.

But you and I both know we can't. And that they wouldn't want you to. Even though these things hurt, we just have to live with it.

[oathshackledbird]

So how do I control the pain?

[Diarmuid looks up at Waver with wet eyes. He's obviously just barely holding tears back.]

How do I push it away so that I can keep doing what has to be done? Right now I just want to sit here and not move again. Either that or just let everything go and...do something without regards to my own safety as long as there is some chance of helping them even if it is slim.

[fionnuisce]

...I don't know, Diarmuid. That's just not something I think I can give a real and definite answer for.

[oathshackledbird]

No, probably because there isn't one.

[Diarmuid sighs, listing to the side to rest his head against Waver's shoulder.]

I'm sorry, Mo Stór, I might need you to watch me closer for a little while. Can...you do that for me?

[fionnuisce]

You know that I can. [Waver's arm came up to rest around Diarmuid's shoulders, pulling him closer.] I'll do whatever you need me to.

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid slides closer to him, setting the drawing onto the bed so it's not wrinkled, before letting his arms fall around Waver's waist.]

Is this how you felt when you lost m--him? Like everything worth anything to you was torn away and all that was left was something empty and worthless?

How did you move passed that?

[fionnuisce]

...something like that, yes. [Waver brushed a hand through Diarmuid's hair, sighing.]

I just did. There's no real method or trick to it. Eventually I accepted there was nothing I could do to change the circumstances and just decided to keep living myself. I think that's all one can really do when it comes to this kind of thing.

[oathshackledbird]

[Unconsciously, Diarmuid leans against the hand in his hair. At the same time, he closes his eyes. It's not exactly the answer he wanted to hear, but it is the one he expected.]

Do I need to start on that right away? It is okay if I just...sit here a little while?

[fionnuisce]

It's fine, Diarmuid. You don't have to rush anything.

[oathshackledbird]

I feel like I do. There is so much to be done that I feel bad even taking this time.

[His voice suddenly sounds guilty and tired. Very tired.]

Especially with so many people gone. The longer we take the more at risk they are...

[fionnuisce]

I don't think it'll hurt too much to take just a little time to recover.

[Waver laughed softly, trying to reassure him.]

Just don't take as long as I did and we'll be fine.

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid smiles slightly at the joke.]

I will try...

Thank you.

[fionnuisce]

You don't have to thank me. Just worry about yourself, even if only for a little while.

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid laughs, though the laughter is slightly sad.]

You like asking the impossible of me, don't you? I...will try my best, but I make no promises.

[fionnuisce]

I ask only what I think you capable of, nothing more.

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid opens his eyes and looks up at Waver.]

It's a good think I like challenges, isn't it? I promise, I will do my best.

[He gives Waver a squeeze.]

I hope you know how much I appreciate you listening to me and trying to help even if you don't really know how.

[fionnuisce]

Why shouldn't I? We're friends if nothing else--isn't that what they're supposed to do for each other?

[oathshackledbird]

Y-yes, I know.

[Diarmuid shuts his eyes again, his body relaxing slightly against Waver's.]

I just don't like taking this kind of thing for granted.

[Because who knows when the support might suddenly be gone?]

[fionnuisce]

...I know, Diarmuid. [Sighing, Waver pulled him closer.]

I'll do whatever I can to stay here. But...if I can't, it's alright. If that should happen, I know you and everyone else will be able to bring an end to this and save everyone.

[oathshackledbird]

Don't say that!

[There is suddenly terror in Diarmuid's voice and his body tightens like a bowstring.]

Don't say that! I...I won't have anything if you're gone...

[fionnuisce]

Don't be ridiculous. You'd have your brother--I doubt anything could get rid of him.

[oathshackledbird]

[Diarmuid's arms tighten almost painfully around Waver.]

He's not the one... He's not...

[Diarmuid buries his head against Waver's shoulder.]

Just don't say that!

[Because Diarmuid can't handle thinking about losing Waver right now. After all, if Waver leaves then Diarmuid has nothing to look forward to once this fight ends but being erased. At one point, he had accepted that fate. Now the very idea makes staying here and suffering under Ruana and Jason's hands for an eternity seem pleasant in comparison.

Though, losing Waver would cause him so much pain that perhaps being erased would be the easier fate...]

[fionnuisce]

Diarmuid-- [Approaching the matter from an analytical standpoint seemed only natural. Hope and determination were nice things, but in they end Waver knew they didn't always win out. There was a real possibility one or both of them could vanish from this place, and ignoring it wouldn't help.]

[He couldn't just not acknowledge the fact. That would have been blind optimism, and that sort of thing was dangerous. When it backfired--and it usually did--it backfired hard.]

[On the other hand...maybe he'd been too cold about the matter. That was why Diarmuid was so upset now, wasn't it? Waver was having a difficult time determining where he'd gone wrong in this conversation or how to repair it now that he had gone off somewhere.]

...it's alright. I'm here now, aren't I? For all we know, neither of us will end up leaving at all.