animus_network | 005 ♑ [fifth honk]

A BrOtHeR AiN'T TrYiN To gEt hIs hArSh aLl oN OvEr nOtHiNg sMaLl oR NoThIn
ExCePt tHiS MoThErFuCkIn nOiSe iS Up aNd gOiN FrOm sMaLl sPuDs tO FuCkInG SHIT.
IN LESS MOTHERFUCKING TIME THAN IT TAKES THE FUCKIN OPTIMISTIFFS IN THIS JOINT.
to all let fly from their.
MOTHERFUCKING TRAPS.
about how all it's gonna be gettin.
SO MUCH MOTHERFUCKING.
bEtTeR
BuT It dOn't gEt bEtTeR, mY BrOtHeRs aNd bItChEs
It aIn't nEvEr gOnNa gEt nO BeTtEr
No mAtTeR HoW MuCh sPaRkLy fLuFfY NoIsE AnY OnE MoThErFuCkEr's gOnNa wAnNa pUkE AlL OvEr tHe
MOTHERFUCKING.
truth.

ThEy tAkE A BrOtHeR AnD CuT HiM ThE FuCk oPeN
ShOvE ShIt iN HiM WhAt's nOt nEvEr sUpPoSeD To aLl bEiNg iNsIdE
CrEeP AnD CrAwL AlL Up iN HiS FrIeD OuT PaN LiKe iT AiN'T BeEn bLoWn tO BiTs aLrEaDy
MaKe hIm gEt aLl uP In tHe hArShEsT BuSiNeSs wItH HiS ReSpItEbLoCkBrOs
SpEnD HiS SlEePtImE In tHe hAlLs wHeRe hE CaN'T GeT No mOtHeRfUcKiNg sHuTeYe
RiP ThEm gOoD BrOs hE Be aLl sPlItTiN ThIs mOtHeRfUcKiN ShItHoLe wItH FrOm hIm
MaKe tHeM GoNe fOrEvEr
without saying MOTHERFUCKING GOOD bye.
GiVe iN HiM SoMe WICKED MOTHERFUCKING URGES.
that he all ain't never been to feeling before.
MAKE HIM QUESTION his.
mother.
FUCKING SELF.

WhO ArE YoU, mOtHeRfUcKeR?

HaHa
HAHA.
haha.
HONK.
honk.
HONK.
honk.

WHO THE MOTHER FUCK AM I?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I t)(ink we all get to asking ourselves t)(at lately. It's )(ard and it )(urts and it doesn't make a damn bit of sense. It doesn't even try to make sense, because what's making any kind of sense w)(en t)(ey're cutting you open and putting t)(ings into you t)(at s)(ouldn't be t)(ere?

[She pauses. He'd been there, that one month that felt like being in one extended bad dream. When she'd woken up, there had been so much missing. A diamond, a dear friend. So many pieces of herself.

And now, now that she was trying to fill in those gaps again? More people were leaving. That hurt.]

T)(ey can't cut out everyt)(ing w)(at makes you you, t)(ough, Gamzee. If t)(ey )(ad, you never would've come and found me w)(en I was so down t)(e ot)(er day.

I AiN'T GoT No cLuE WhAt hUrTy sCrAtChY ShIt tHeY AlL WeRe tO Be lEaViNg iN Me, FiShY
BE FEELIN ALL LIKE A BROTHER'S TO BE COMING THE FUCK APART.
at the mother.
FUCKING SEAMS.

ThEm pEePs bE StItChIn mE BaCk uP WrOnG Or sOmEtHiN, fEfErI
YoU WeRe fUcKiNg THERE.
you can't be up and motherfuckin telling in me.
THAT YOU DON'T FEEL ALL BROKEN UP WHAT'S JUST THE MOTHERFUCKING SAME AS I DO.

You're rig)(t. I can't, and I won't. T)(e last t)(ing eit)(er of us needs is a lie as big as t)(at.

Because it feels like w)(en t)(ey went and put me back toget)(er again, somet)(ing didn't get put back quite rig)(t. Like somet)(ing's crooked and all it wants to do is pop rig)(t on out of t)(ere.

But I've been doing some t)(inking on t)(is w)(ole t)(ing, and t)(e last t)(ing I mean to do is let t)(em win. It's gonna )(urt rig)(t now. It's gonna )(urt a lot. W)(at I t)(ink is t)(at w)(en t)(e worst of it's all over, t)(ough, we're going to be one )(ell of a lot stronger for it. It sucks. It sucks a lot. But we're gonna get t)(rough it.

[Why is it that she is the only one that actually seems to get it!? No wails of "it'll all be okay, you'll see!" or "cheer up and try not to think about it!" Just the straight-up truth, plain and simple.]

i knew you all felt the motherfucking same.
MOTHER FUCKING HAD IT ALL STRAIGHT IN THE FUCKIN PAN ON THAT NOISE.
BuT YoU'Re aLl tO Be hAvIn oNe tHiNg i aIn't fUcKiN GoT, lItTlE FiSh
MoThErFuCkInG ReSiLiEnCe
SoMeThIn iS GoInG DoWn aLl mOtHeRfUcKiNg WRONG IN THIS MOTHER FUCKING PAN.
i ain't giving no fucks bout whether or not whoever the lordshits runnin this place win or motherfucking lose.
STARTING TO NOT GIVE NO FUCKS ABOUT A LOT OF MOTHERFUCKING THINGS, YO.
maybe it would all be much fuckin better if none of this noise was up and existing
MaYbE ThEsE FuCkErS WoUlDn't aLl bE So
MOTHERFUCKING.
blind.
IF I JUST UP AND SHOW THEM THE MOTHERFUCKING LIGHT.

I was t)(ere, Gamzee. I know exactly w)(at t)(ey did to bot)( of us. T)(at smug bastard ripped us apart, stuck t)(ings t)(at s)(ouldn't ever be in anyone's body in t)(ere, sewed us back up, t)(en sat back laug)(ing like it was the funniest mot)(erfucking joke in the world.

Believe me, I know. I could )(ear every word, once t)(ey went and turned me into my fucking lusus. Nobody is supposed to )(ear all t)(at s)(it. I don't know )(ow I didn't go insane. I'm not nearly as resilient as you t)(ink. My moirail disappeared w)(en I was in t)(at place. I've )(ad friends, but not my diamond to keep me balanced. Don't know )(ow I'm keeping it toget)(er as well as I am, except t)(at I've )(ad to. For all of you.

But you've got resilience same as I do, Gamzee. You wouldn't )(ave come found me w)(en I was low as I was if you didn't. You wouldn't reac)( out like you are if you didn't. Somet)(ing mig)(t be wrong in your pan, but t)(ere's still enoug)( of you in t)(ere wanting to fig)(t back. You've still got t)(at lig)(t in you. Gotta )(ave it to s)(ow it.

...t)(ere's one t)(ing. Lay off Genda Koujirou, all rig)(t? I'm flus)(ed for )(im awfully )(ard and )(e's been one of t)(e one's w)(at's kept me on an even keel. I need )(im and I want )(im to be friends wit)( all of you if it's possible. Okay?

[Gamzee was unbearably and catatonically high throughout the duration of the experiments, so he was pretty unaware of anything that had happened after the first few days. The only real memories he had were the operating tables, the fear (oh, gods, the fear, he would never tell a soul of it), and the paralyzed state he'd lain in between surgeries, subjected to the gods implanted into his brain, ominous and horrifying and ever-present as his physical body refused to obey a single command he'd given it, leaking sopor and lying in a useless heap. He wasn't sure if they were still in his pan, or if he was just cracking up. He could certainly hear multiple people whispering, shouting, at any given time. He was trying to ignore them. He was trying so damn hard because if he lost himself in that sea of noise, he was pretty sure he'd drown - and even his fishsister would probably lose him in those depths.]

[Whenever he'd talked to Feferi, it had always been glubbing about things that seemed utterly pointless now. Trivial, stupid shit that he used to marvel at like a stupid gawktard, spouting off about how magical and mysterious the world was, while she'd happily agree and they'd laugh... and laugh...]

[How fucking stupid she must have thought he was. How fucking much he wished he could go back to that.]

i never knew what all fuckin happened at you after we was first to be getting at speaking on each other in the place.
TOLD EACH OTHER NOT TO GIVE THE FUCK UP.
then i gave the mother fuck up.
SORRIES AIN'T MY MOTHERFUCKING THING, BUT I FEEL I ALL OWE YOU ONE OF THEM BITCHES FOR NOT HAVING MY ASS AROUND.
while you up and were made to all slog through that noise, sister.

[He's prepared to spout off more of the same, when his eyes flick over the last statement.]

you ain't all to be meaning.
THAT MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT HUMAN?
christ glubberjaw the fuck they all do to you to have you flushing for a fuckin pink-skin?
>:o/

T)(ey tried to turn me into my lusus. Put somet)(ing in my t)(inkpan t)(at let me )(ear everyt)(ing everyone was saying. Everyone except t)(e bastard running t)(e place.

Only reason I didn't give up was t)(at I t)(oug)(t I'd kill you. Didn't know if you'd come back. Didn't want to take t)(e risk. I wouldn't be able to live wit)( myself if I did.

[She tenses up, one hand forming a fist.]

Not a damn t)(ing. It )(appened on my own and of my own free will. )(e )(as a damn good )(eart in t)(ere. And I won't stand for you t)(reatening )(im. You're someone I care about, too, Gamzee, but I'm not going to stand by and let you )(urt )(im. I don't want to )(urt you, but I don't want you )(urting )(im.

I've lost my diamond, Gamzee. Please don't put me t)(roug)( losing my )(eart, too.

005 ♑ [fifth honk]

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