animus_network | 005 ♑ [fifth honk]

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005 ♑ [fifth honk]

A BrOtHeR AiN'T TrYiN To gEt hIs hArSh aLl oN OvEr nOtHiNg sMaLl oR NoThIn
ExCePt tHiS MoThErFuCkIn nOiSe iS Up aNd gOiN FrOm sMaLl sPuDs tO FuCkInG SHIT.
IN LESS MOTHERFUCKING TIME THAN IT TAKES THE FUCKIN OPTIMISTIFFS IN THIS JOINT.
to all let fly from their.
MOTHERFUCKING TRAPS.
about how all it's gonna be gettin.
SO MUCH MOTHERFUCKING.
bEtTeR
BuT It dOn't gEt bEtTeR, mY BrOtHeRs aNd bItChEs
It aIn't nEvEr gOnNa gEt nO BeTtEr
No mAtTeR HoW MuCh sPaRkLy fLuFfY NoIsE AnY OnE MoThErFuCkEr's gOnNa wAnNa pUkE AlL OvEr tHe
MOTHERFUCKING.
truth.

ThEy tAkE A BrOtHeR AnD CuT HiM ThE FuCk oPeN
ShOvE ShIt iN HiM WhAt's nOt nEvEr sUpPoSeD To aLl bEiNg iNsIdE
CrEeP AnD CrAwL AlL Up iN HiS FrIeD OuT PaN LiKe iT AiN'T BeEn bLoWn tO BiTs aLrEaDy
MaKe hIm gEt aLl uP In tHe hArShEsT BuSiNeSs wItH HiS ReSpItEbLoCkBrOs
SpEnD HiS SlEePtImE In tHe hAlLs wHeRe hE CaN'T GeT No mOtHeRfUcKiNg sHuTeYe
RiP ThEm gOoD BrOs hE Be aLl sPlItTiN ThIs mOtHeRfUcKiN ShItHoLe wItH FrOm hIm
MaKe tHeM GoNe fOrEvEr
without saying MOTHERFUCKING GOOD bye.
GiVe iN HiM SoMe WICKED MOTHERFUCKING URGES.
that he all ain't never been to feeling before.
MAKE HIM QUESTION his.
mother.
FUCKING SELF.

WhO ArE YoU, mOtHeRfUcKeR?

HaHa
HAHA.
haha.
HONK.
honk.
HONK.
honk.

WHO THE MOTHER FUCK AM I?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Fuck.]

[Fuck he was way too stubborn to stop even though most of his pan was now screaming at him to take it back.]

i am done motherfucking looking.
I AM DONE WITH MOTHER FUCKING LOOKING FOR MY FUCKING SELF.
it has been too motherfuckin long.
I AIN'T NEVER GONNA FIND ME, BROTHER.
and i'm to be fuckin guessing that this is what be all what's mother fucking left.
SO I GUESS THAT MEANS YOU ARE MOTHER.
fucking.
DONE.
here.
BRO.

OH MY GOD.
YOU'RE THE MOST INCREDIBLY CREEPY AND YET VITAL THING TO OUR EXISTENCE.
WE'RE SIX SWEEPS, GAMZEE.
HOW THE FUCK REALLY KNOWS THEMSELVES AT SIX?
I KNOW I SURE AS HELL DON'T!!!

do you got things talkin at you from what's up in your pan, brother?

look i'm all typin in the small letter bros cause i just.
don't got no idea, brother.
i don't got no motherfucking clue.

what to do.

:o(

I'll do you one better right now.
Look at me, getting all fucking serious and shit.
No, Gamzee. You know I don't have any extra voices swirling around in my thinkpan juices.
All it is up in here is me yelling at myself and no one else.
I don't know what to do or how to fix that for you, but I would if I could!
Seeing you unhinged or hung up about this just destroys me on the inside too
Like a motherfucking rug being pulled out from under my feet.
Man, you're all I really got to keep me from going mental and busting a blood pusher over here
I was kind of hoping it was the same for you, a little.
What I do know is you've got to stop being a douchebag to people.
You're just kind of making more enemies and that won't really help either.
It won't help you figure out what to do next
Won't help me either.
But if we work on trying to find that out together, then maybe we'll come up with an answer.
That's all I can think of to do.

there be a lot of thoughts rushing towards at these fingers to all try and getting their ways out on here first.
so i gotta all be trying to sort them bitches out as what's best that i can.

it ain't really all what them motherfuckers be doin to me that got me all wigged the fuck out, probably.
it just feel all like.
they didn't make me fuckin mad by puttin nothin in me to make me that way.
but i be mad cause of what they all were to do.
shit that don't even make no MOTHERFUCKING SENSE WHEN EVEN I ALL BE READING IT.

feels like there be too many different thinkpans jammed up in my motherfucking skull all at once.
PLUS GOT LOTS MORE NOISE ALL HARASSING AT MY FUCKIN SPONGE CLOTS THAN WHAT'S JUST MY OWN MOTHERFUCKIN VOICE.
tellin in me all sorts of bad shit, brother.
SHIT I AIN'T ALL DOWN WITH WANTING TO BE MOTHERFUCKING IGNORING, EITHER.
makes a brother want to get down right flat out mother fucking HARSHNASTY. >:o)

but then there's you what's i wasn't knowing where all you was scamperin off to.
THOUGHT MAYBE YOU AIN'T WANTING TO UP AND GET SADDLED WITH NO MORE OF MY HOOFBEASTSHIT.
and it was ok, bro.
It wAs oK BeCaUsE I AiN'T Be wAnTiNg tO HaVe tO Be sAdDlEd wItH It nEiThEr iF It wAsN'T Me
AnD We aIn't nEvEr rEaLlY GoT To bE KiCkIn tHe vErBaGe aT WhAt tHiS PaRtIcUlAr mOtHeRfUcKiN NoIsE Be bEiNg
BuT I AiN'T NeVeR KnOwN WhY YoU WaS MaKiN A BiG MoThErFuCkInG SqUaWk bOuT Us bRoThErS BeIn pAlE WhEn aLl yOu wAs fIrSt gEtTiN YoUr sEe oN Of mE HeRe
FuCk iF I AiN'T BeEn sHiTtIn mOtHeRfUcKiN DiAmOnDs aT YoU FoR WhAt's bEeN FoReVeR EvEn iF I AiN'T BeEn rEaLiZiNg aT It
BuT ThErE AiN'T NeVeR SeEmEd nO MoThErFuCkIn pOiNt iN It aLl
til now i guess. :o(

but bro when i say this noise at you.
i need you to be up and doing what's fuckin ever you all need to be.
whether it be ditchin the split-pan crazyclown.
OR MOTHERFUCKIN STICKING THAT SHIT OUT TIL IT ALL UP AND GETS TO ITS GRISLY MOTHER FUCKING RESOLVE.
it don't feel like i can stop bein what i'm bein.
THEM FEELINGS JUST GET ALL UP INSIDE A BROTHER'S NUG AND SHAKE.
and shake.
AND SHAKE.
and don't let go til he open a choice slice of nasty on their asses.
SO I GUESS WHAT I ALL BE TO SAYING IS.
ain't much what i gotta be finding myself as all.
I GOT TOO MANY OF MYSELF TO MOTHERFUCKIN CHOOSE FROM.
honk.
you ok with takin all of the mes, best friend?

Gamzee, I've known all this for a while.
You have no idea how much I worried over you while we were in the Veil
But like the dumbass that I am, I kind of ignored my gut instincts to try to be this great leader everyone would respect.
Look at how far that got us.
What I'm saying I never *actually* wanted to ditch your crazy clown ass, but I was too much of a fucking grub to stand up and do what I *know* I needed to do
Which, by the way, means looking after you and letting you look after me.
You're just Gamzee to me, on the slime or otherwise.
Off it you're a little scary, but I think that was because the sudden change just shook me to the core because when I sit and really THINK about it?
No, you're still Gamzee Makara and that's really about all of the fucks I give on the matter.
I want all of the yous because the yous are what make you, you.
Fuck if that makes sense or whatever...

makes enough much fuckin sense to me.
and you ain't gotta get no apologies on for shit what never motherfucking was to be goin down all on my end.
ain't no point for that noise, brother.
you bein from the future may mean you all got more knowledge on my fuckin self than even i all do.
cause i sure as a grubfuck ain't got no motherfucking heads or tails on it.
AIN'T FEELIN MOTHERFUCKIN RIGHT STEALING UP SO MUCH OF YOUR.
fuckin energy.
GOT USED TO YOU BEIN THE RUNAROUND BUZZYLEADER ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
be weird to like, monopolizing you like what's this is.
but bro i got one more thing to be shooting at your way.

BeFoRe tHe aNgRy dUdEs kIcK Up aGaIn
I AiN'T BeEn nO GoOd tO YoU As oF FuCkIn lAtE, bRoThEr
AiN'T BeEn tHe bEsT BrO LiKe wHaT'S I AlWaYs wAs tRyInG To bE
LoOkS LiKe tHeM AnGrIeS DiDn't wAnT To lEaVe yOu oUt :o(

BuT WhAt's i'm rEaLlY MeAnInG, i gUeSs mAyBe
On bEhAlF Of mE AnD AnGrY Me aNd wEiRd mE AnD KiLlY Me
Is sOrRy
HoNk

IT'S OKAY.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE JUST DISAPPEARED ON YOU.
SO I'M SORRY FOR THAT.

ain't no thing, brother.
kinda my fault for getting to lose my cool without you.
ain't ever been flippin the wicked shit while i was all by my lonesome never before.
ANYWAY THOUGH WE AIN'T GONNA BE TALKING ON THAT SHIT NO MORE.
feel like a brother should all be motherfucking redeeming himself or somethin.
I AIN'T GONNA BE A WIGGLER NO MORE.
what's all scratchin at your pan that made you up and hide your sweet self away, palebro?

SERIOUSLY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I LOSE MY SHIT ALL THE TIME, REMEMBER?
THAT GIVES YOU A FEW FREE PASSES ON THE LOSING MY SHIT TIERS.
ANYWAY
I WAS CONTEMPLATING THE MEANING OF LIFE.

NO, REALLY.

that seems all like a fuckin stupid thing to be ponderin at.
THE FUCK GOT YOUR THOUGHTSPONGE MOTHERFUCKIN TIED DOWN TO THEM EXISTENTIAL RUSTY THINKTRACKS?

BEING HERE.
US.
A LITTLE BIT OF EVERYTHING, REALLY.

...
do you wanna.
UHHHH.
motherfucking talk about it.
OR SOMETHING.

[HE IS TRYING, OKAY.]

IF YOU WANT, BUT WE DON'T HAVE TO.
THERE'S NO REAL ANSWER TO THE SHIT I WANT TO ASK THE VASTNESS OF THE UNIVERSE.

it be only motherfuckin fair after the shit i all had you sittin through.
BUT LIKE, BRO YOU THINK WE COULD ALL BE.
like.
SEEING ON EACH OTHER MAYBE?
maybe.

iF YoU AiN'T WaNtInG To gO NoWhErE At lEaSt mAyBe tUrN ThE MoThErFuCkIn vIdEo oN ThIs bItCh

oR NoT

YOU DUMBASS.
OF COURSE I WILL GET MY WALKING LEGS ON TO COME AND SEE YOU.

:oD

[Well, it may not have allowed him to find himself completely, but speaking with Karkat had always managed to put things into at least SOME perspective for him. He didn't feel so close to falling apart, now. He felt maybe that he could hold on for a few more minutes until his moirail arrived.]

[Gamzee would never fully admit to anyone how desperately he had looked for Karkat while he was gone. It was the reason he'd been pacing the halls, the reason he'd stopped on every floor to just stare, waited at the bottom of the stairs for hours. He was good at waiting.]

[And so he waited now. He was pretty certain Karkat would keep his word and show, but there was always the nagging anxiety that he'd end up sitting there for a long, long while.]

[ Karkat does feel guilty though. he had only meant to hole up for a little while. then he had ended up in that fight with the alternate Sollux. the one with the shared blood color. tooth missing and lip busted... there had been no way Karkat would have been willing to venture out of his respiteblock and risk being caught. sure, his blood color isn't really this big secret anymore. but he still feels the panic. it's been conditioned into his very being. a defense mechanism.

but now his lip has healed over and that tooth his now starting to grow back. the thing is pretty fucking annoying, since his gums itch and ache a bit.

reaching Gamzee is easy enough. Karkat seems to have luck when it comes to finding Makara. probably has to do with the fact that their palemance is something that is written in the stars. destiny.

and when he does see him? reach him? first thing that's happening is a big freaking hug. ]

[The waiting wasn't long. Karkat had never kept him waiting long. Except for recently, but. Imparts to what he'd been used to, it was hardly a noteworthy stretch of time. He'd almost forgotten about it already, anyway. When the short little nubs rounded the corner (Gamzee realized then that he'd never told him where he'd been. Karkat had always just... known things. It was so easy to rely on him because he always had answers. Always had an explanation or a plan for everything. It was so tempting to give in to that sort of reassurance, but Gamzee couldn't feign ignorance here. Not here. Karkat had struggled so much to keep up appearances - to have it seem like he had everything under control all the time, when really he was almost as lost as everyone else. It was part of what worked him up so badly. Made him a neurotic, yelling mess. And Gamzee loved him for it.), he wasn't sure what to do. He knew what he wanted to do, but the five different Gamzees in his had were all telling him different things that it all ended up so garbled that he sort of rose uselessly from his chair, fighting off the warring commands in his head and thanking anything that would listen that Karkat had wrapped his arms around him. It had made it so much easier to shut everyone up.]

[Slowly did his skinny arms fold themselves around the other boy. It was careful, as if he'd slip away again if he grasped too tightly or moved too quickly. His hands roamed the planes of Karkat's back, simultaneously reassuring himself that, yes, he actually was there, and also taking stock of how much meat had been on his bones. Best bro better not be wasting away on him. Hypocritical as that was.]

Missed you, brother.

[ Karkat gives into the embrace and the subtle inspection. he lets out a little puff of air and keeps his nose buried in Gamzee's neck. ]

I shoulda been around. Fuck, I wasn't even thinking. Again.

[ because Karkat knows Gamzee's past. knows about the abandonment issues. Karkat should have known better than to just let things ride out like they had. then maybe Gamzee wouldn't be like this right now - suffering. on the edge of losing it. Karkat kind of is a fuck up.

but he can fix it. he really can. Gamzee's willing to take him still. that's something right there. of course the way his moirail looks right now is atrocious, but there is a time and a place to scold him for it. that time isn't right now. Karkat might try that in another five or ten minutes. right now Karkat is just sinking into that hug. it's soothing some of his remaining nerves.

how could he have ever wanted to hide from this as well? ]

Shoosh, motherfucker.

[He let out an airy, relieved laugh, muffled a bit as he nuzzled his face into Karkat's hair. God, it was amazing how fast he was clear. How fast everything seemed to fuck off now that his moirail was here. He only wanted to focus on the good feelings, but it was slightly worrying that Karkat seemed to be the only thing holding him together at any given time. That was a lot of unneeded pressure to be placing on a kid who already felt like he needed to carry the weight of the world.]

[Gamzee's roaming hands finally found a place to rest, splayed across Karkat's shoulder blades. He breathed in deep, trying to expel the rest of the jitters that hid completely overtaken him just moments earlier. He knew another episode was not far off, but Karkat was doing an excellent job of keeping it at bay.]

[What was he gonna do? He had no fucking clue. All he cared about now was living in this moment, because this was the best he'd felt in forever.]

No more apologies. I wanna hear what's all been goin' down with you.

Fine, fine. Shooshing...

[ man, Karkat feels as though he could just crawl into that lap and just cling like a newly hatched wiggler. there's not even a hint of shame in the back of his mind as he admits this to himself. Gamzee's good for him and vice versa. the universe will continue to spin and go on as long as they have each other. at least... this is what Karkat feels.

the silence soaks in for a little, even after Gamzee asks the question and smooths out the rest of the rough edges in Karkat's guilt. if he had been a cat, he'd be purring. ]

Huh? Me? I was reading and watching movies, mostly.

[ but there's something else too and Karkat tenses a fraction at the memory. he can't keep that from Gamzee. he knows this. so he speaks, very very carefully. ]

And, uh. Healing the last week.

[Gamzee is trying his fucking best to do for Karkat what Karkat so effortlessly does for him. As with everything, he has no idea what the fuck he's doing or how the fuck to do it. It's really just a go-with-your-gut-and-hope-for-the-best kind of thing. Which is... his solution for just about anything. He certainly had no idea it was having such a positive effect.]

[The quiet was nice. Even when he was alone, there was no quiet. It was funny how, with another person here, it quieted down even more. Karkat's voice flows through one ear and out the other, in the most respectful way possible, if that's even possible. It was just so easy for Gamzee to tune out the words and focus on the melody. Until that last sentence. When it all got backed up and jammed in between both ears until it rattled around in his skull and he woke from his stupor with a twitch of the lip and a jolt of his head down to stare at the nubs that were carefully avoiding his gaze.]

What.

[ oh god can Karkat feel that. his throat goes dry and he tries to laugh it off a little. he doesn't want the other Sollux to face the wrath, okay. believe it or not, Karkat actually understands this one a little bit. how could he not? they share the same blood color. shared the same panic when red had started to soak into the carpet in the media room. both had bolted out of there so quickly.

Karkat had the missing tooth tucked under his pillow for fuck's sake.

he pulls back, papping cheeks and shooshing as best as he can. ]

I started it, okay? When it got out of hand we both apologized and that was that. Everything's fine, I promise.

[Gamzee's hard glare doesn't dissipate at the touch, but he does turn his face against Karkat's palm ever so slightly as it runs down his cheek. His eyes are now locked on every inch of Karkat, flicking over him and scanning for any sign of injury or discomfort. It didn't take long for them to settle on that stupid void where a fang should have been.]

[His mouth flattened into a thin, angry line as fast as possible. He couldn't stop staring at that gap when Karkat talked. He hadn't even heard his excuse when he made it, feeling that bubbling, hot rage boiling up within him despite Karkat's pale reassurances.]

Who. Was it.

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